dragging my feet.

Some days i have a great deal of trouble getting through...not to say that today has been diffucult but often I find myself in self destruct mode, where I am not sure what is wrong with me. It's like a scene from When Harry Met Sally, "What is wrong with me, why didnt he want to be with me(sob, sob) .." etc. etc.
I have such huge, gigantic, walls up at this point that I wouldnt know how to begin to let someone in. I just dont want to go on a date...and i have been asked, It seems that, a bit here lately, I have been bombarded with possibilities and I dont care. I just shrink back into my comfy little shell that i have created for myself and hide. Why am I hiding. Why do I feel bad about myself. Maybe I wont when I meet the right person, Right, is that it? OR maybe I will and I will never even know what I missed out on. I want to be alone but at times it is, well, lonely. And other times, or should I say most of the time it is, well, not. What am I getting at? I have no idea to say the least. I think I am a good person. I believe that when I love, I give it my all. And somehow I always give my all to those who arent really giving back.
Is it that I have yet to be with someone who is strong enough to be with me. Or am I the one who isnt strong enough? And at the end of the day why do I care about any of this. What am I trying to figure out. I'm not really trying to figure myself out. Maybe I am trying to figure out how others percieve me and why anyone would like me. I know why I like myself but I am not sure anyone else really sees the me that I like. did that make any sense?
Maybe what I am saying is when do I get to meet my Harry? "I'm going to be fourty" "Someday"

Enjoying the uncertainty.

Today was a really amazing day for me...the weather was amazing...I was in a fantastic mood...I hiked four miles on the greenbelt and sat by the water for a spell soaking in the sun. I had a perfect day.

human life occurs only once, and the reason we cannot determine which of our decisions are good and which are bad is that in a given situation we can make only one decision; we are not granted a second, third, or fourth life in which to compare various decisions. -milan kundera

Looking forward without turning back.

I am in a strange place...but I have this amazing drive to just get up and go. To get things done, take a trip, let go, move forward. I feel incrediably sad but amazingly happy. I understand every inch of myself and my feeling for once in my life and it feels great. I can tell you why I feel, have felt, or done everything that I have and I feel good about it. No excuses, no confusion, no fate, no unhappy memories, just me. And I am glad that i have done everything that I have done no matter what. In a way, I am saying I have no regrets, save one, and that is that I didnt feel this way long ago. Like myself, like a knew who I was, all the possiblities that I may have in front of me, having all the people in my life that adore me and that i adore. Whatever lies ahead at least now I can walk forward with open eyes.

those we really, truly call our friends

who are the people in your life that you really refer to as your friends? Are they the ones that you occasionally spend an evening with, or someone you keep in slight touch, OR are they the people in your life that you go to in time of need. The ones who understand you because, you have given all of yourself to them...let them know who you are, answered all the questions, given away all your secrets, never told a lie to, and felt through each hardship, each crisis and even every bright moment in your togetherness that you draw closer to these people and understand them more and more. Arent these the people who you want to spend your days with. the ones who are willing to open up and let you know them and you do the same in return. The people you can be honest with, The people who never judge you, never tell you what to do(only give you their personal experiences and know that no matter what, that is what they are, their experiences not yours), love you and know you know what is best for yourself, support you in all the mistakes you make, never ridicule you abour the choices you make. Arent these your true friends? The ones you hope to keep till your last days...the ones that you will always cherish. I hope you have yours. I certainly have mine and hope to have more of the same someday.

they say its your birthday...

Wow! today has been an absolutely beautiful day and I have enjoyed it thoroughly, going running with my dog...spending a few moments in the sun etc. I hope that you all have enjoyed it too. I really really want to see everyone there on my birthday FRIDAY...you are only as old as you feel, right? The plan, so far, is dinner at PF Changs and then off to somewhere else, i have not quite decided where that will be but i will keep everyone posted. Those of you who are going to join, let me know.

Ummm so laurie and i just witnessed, in video, the drunkeness that was our New Year's Party and I had to laugh quite a few times, I was a little apprehensive about watching it to begin with....why we have all this on film is beyond me but you can witness the drunken progression of us all. All i can say is that I had a really fantastic evening, almost everyone that i wanted to be there came. And I am thrilled that it is a new year and my BIRTHDAY is this Friday, so everyone get ready for some more fun.