Who's presence in your life has inspired you...who do you love to be around simply because they bring out the best in you and all you do? Who makes you happy, when you are around them you feel like you are floating?

Times they are a changin

Hmmm. hopefully for the good. I am not really sure what to say about anything but so far I am really looking forward to forward progress whatever that may mean. I have been really happy...and a little sad at the same time, but this is good. There is nothing really New to say except that I am really looking forward to the new year, my party, a great play(the santaland diaries), old friends, and new ones, letting go of the past, and looking forward into whatever the future may bring. I am exceptionally happy right now that is all I can really say.

Today has been a really FANTASTIC day! yep. yep.

why dont i want to talk about anything right now? I really have a million things to say but for some reason i cant put them into words...although somehow I believe that i know the reason and wish that i could come to a resolution or a conclusion. This entry makes no sense to anyone but myself, i believe. Hopefully the new year will bring about some changes. I have never been the sort of person to lie, deny how I feel, or decieve anyone I know, of this I am most certain. I have been more forgiving than i believe was warranted.
I feel that some people will never understand me and somehow a few people have understood me right away...and when someone gets me it makes me incrediably happy. I am not sure at this moment what I am getting at. Hopefully i can make more sense of it later and someone will understand it in some time to come.

All you need is love...

happy merry chrisakwansahannakah! I love you all. Hope everyone has a really great holiday...see you all soon.

This week has been a bit of a stress for me...making christmas gifts(a bigger pain than i had anticipated), trying to work doubles, get in my running, paying the bills, etc. Laurie and I have spent a few nights up really late with a bottle of wine and a project in our hands(we are almost done!) And, so apparently I am supposed to be hosting New Year's at my house this year. 5 bucks a head(keg and Champagne)(this may be too crazy for me)(but at least i dont have to drive, Right?) Whose Coming? Let me know.
At this point I may be too tired to actually organize this, I may just need a party to go to, but if people will come then I will try.

So, In my head for quite some time I have been obsessing(umm as most of you know) about things that i have no control over and things that really need to be buried...So ONE more resolution...Please stop and just be happy, nothing is wrong and nothing is likely to change, you have done nothing wrong, you Must remember that! Thank You.

Because this is THRILLER...

thriller night. Deedee, Laurie, and I make complete fools of ourselves tonight dancing to The Footloose and the Thriller Soundtracks. Gaud, the fun we can make of ourselves and the stuff we grew up on. Love It. Everybody cut loose!

I have my running puppy! Liam went to run with Laurie and I today and did great off his leash. That makes me really happy! Yay! for outdoor fun with my dog.

Sim-ply hav-ing a wonderful christmas time...

Lots of Great Thoughts-
School is done. I have completed yet another semester. I think I may just get an A in both classes...hard work may pay off. Another one of my regulars gave me a christmas card(25 bucks included!) I have finally started to catch up with my bills, here's hoping I continue to progress. I have lost 4 lbs on the run fast diet. My puppy is getting so big. My favorite manager Paul is back at El Arroyo(thank heavens). I like my new Job. AND I CAN AFFORD COFFEE!
Things to look forward to-
37th street christmas lights, The Santaland Diaries, New Years Eve, My BIRTHDAY(and all of you better be there), Going to the Dog park with Laurieloo, Great girl nights, A month off from school, and finding a date to the prom.
New Year's Resolutions-
To stay possitive, Read lots of great books, Take even a short trip somewhere, Spend more time with the ones I love, find someone to kiss at midnight, To get love right(eventually i will), But most of all...to take care of myself, believe in myself, and never give in to fear, because that is the biggest step.

You DO know when It's real.

sometimes, a show alone is just what I need. I saw Wendy Colona tonight. I thought i would only get to watch 30min but she played for an extra 45min. It was so great that at one point, and after, I cried (sobbing?) . Amazing. I love my music. I love Austin. And i Love Those That I Love... and for good reason, and this I will never forget. Sometimes you receive no love in return but the love you have for others is all that really matters. Mwah. Love You All.

Today has proved to be extemely uneventful. *sigh*
I am a bit melancholy but ok. Tonight I am going to desperately try to get out of work in time to catch Wendy Colona's show at Momo's. I need to spend a night alone and great music always helps.

Some of my regulars gave me a christmas present today...I wanted to cry it was so sweet of them.
Oh how lucky I am.

*sigh*

What do you need?

I need to get my head out of the clouds. I need to start letting all the ridiculous walls down. And the exceedingly high expectations of myself and others. I need to change what makes me unhappy and hold on to the things that matter. I need to let go. To remember. To forget. To smile. To spend more time doing the things I love. And loving the things I do. I need to let my friends know how much they mean to me. I need to stop being afraid. I need to go out on a date. I need to have no expectations. I need to take my dog to the park. Take a walk. Go for a drive. Buy a new cd. Put things in there place, including thoughts and dreams. I need to never stop dreaming or hoping. I need to stop having unrealistic ideas. I need to stop writing this for now and start doing these things.

oh the humanity

So last night John and I spent the evening up till four in the morning Drinking Starbucks...Navigating Trecherous Highways...And the Internet...so that i would be prepared for my speech today. And I come to find out that after all our hard work, school is canceled for the day...damn! And not because now I have extra time to practice and improve it before I have to present it.
People on the roads scare me...we get a little ice and everyone panics.
On another note... have you ever(im sure you have) looked at the groceries of the person in front or behind you in the checkout line...pets, do they live alone, what they read; strangely you can find out quite a bit about a person just from the checkout line.

-I have the most thoughtful, caring people in my life.
-Thank you

So Mel's parents are great! We all had a great time laughing and Joking and filling them in on Laurie and I. Mel and her mom have the same laugh, which I think is absolutely adorable. The food was not so good, thanks Fridays. But conversation did well to cover up the blandness and rawness of our plates. I had a great time.

Nervous.

So Laurie and I are supposed to meet Mel's parents this weekend. I have known her for about five or six years now and I am nervous. It is almost like meeting your boyfriends folks and hoping for approval (*bites nails*) Seriously, they have heard about us for years and now Laurie and I have one lunch or dinner date to Prove our worth to there daughter. lol. Actually it is very exciting. And i am sure we wont have a problem. At least Laurie wont. On another note. I think it is incrediably cute that Laurie and I carpool to work together since we work right next door to each other.
And I think that so far I like my new Job, it is going well.

Ahhhhh.

I love it when music gives me goosebumps or makes me blush, because it is so pretty or amazing.

The Drifting Tide.

Caught in a whirlwind, barreling down
Faster and Faster towards an invisable ground.
One moment you are floating, in another instance you fall
you even reach stretches when you feel vastly empty, without any thought at all.
You reach forth for the truth, so you may never live a lie.
A peace you find within yourself becomes a tear you cannot cry.
An ocean lies between two shores and somehow still they touch
A truth that once you knew has simply become lost. A shallow well that began to fill had soon filled too much.
The rain poured down endlessly till there was not a place to hide.
And when the sun began to show we simply find, the truth was already lost in the exiting tide.
Where to find it, could we reach the far away shore?
Or should it simply be allowed to drift and maybe it will, one day, lap your beach once more.

molly 05.

Happy Birthday to My Lil sister!

Love You Tons!

"...and I still miss someone."

This land is our land

So i have made my big decision as to where to go for the summer. I am not going to leave the US this year. I will be heading out west. Stopping everywhere along the way. Me and my dog. I realize after leaving the country so many times, that I dont really know it here that well. Unless you count the huge state of Texas. Plus, I love camping and this way I can do alot of it. Vegas, the Redwoods, the wine country, the ocean, Baha, olympia national Park, the Grand Canyon, Colorado, the dessert, and so much more. So there you have it folks...I better start saving away.

I dont mean to gripe or bother...but i am really tired of being sad. I had just started to come out of one slump knowing that everything in life happens for a reason, people make mistakes, choices, love, and forgiviness are all we have, and Hey girl it is time to move on and be happy. And then BAM more things in life to make me sad. I am on the road to recoverey and so is my father but please maybe for the rest of the year at least until after my birthday...seriously no more.

It's getting better all the time.

Well, my dad is awake and appears to be doing well. Better than expected...he is still on meds and forgets alot of things...but has still got his long term memory. Hopefully the short term will recover fully when he is off the medication. His is going to start physical therapy tomorrow.
He really wanted a Dr. Pepper today but the doctor's orders are no caffiene. The nurse told us if they had made a caffiene free DP then he could have it, but they dont...but ever the arguementative one, and way too persistent, I went looking for It anyways...and was all too happy to discover that yes they do make caffiene free DP...so now my dad has his Dr Pepper. And I still have my dad. Things are certainly looking good. Don't forget to tell those you love that you love and appreciate them. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone. Lots of love from my end.

And as soon as I finished writing this post, headed downstairs to watch the game, Roxy my dad's girlfriend called. My dad had a heart attack today and is in ICU. I can't go visit him tonight because his doctor would like us to wait till the morning. I am worried, scared, lost, lonely, and completely helpless to it all right now. I just hope that he is going to be ok.

Time capsules...

It is possible to email yourself 20 years in the future...What would you say to yourself 20 years senior. Funny thing about the future...you have absolutely no idea what is actually going to occur...an hour from now or 10 years from now. Anything and everything is possible...Where will I be On November 20th 2025? Will i be sitting on a beach somewhere writing a letter home, at home with the person I love, will I have children, will i be alone, Will I actually become a teacher, or will i find in my travels that i want to live in India, or Ireland, or Spain, or Chile. I have absolutely no idea...nothing is concrete. Not tomorrow or the next. I understand having life goals, but that does not mean that everything we want will happen the way we want, exactly as we had planned...nothing in my life so far is how I had it planned when I was fifteen and I am sure that it will be the same when I am 35, 45 and so on. But that means that i can enjoy every day and every moment for what it is and hope that i will always be happy no matter what may happen.

Walk the Line

This movie was really amazing...I suggest that if you have not already made plans, that you do so. I really loved it. And hope that you do too. PS...afterwards head to Mean Eyed Cat and play all the Johnny Cash you can.

How peaceful life can be...

Yes, that it can. I am doing incrediably well lately...no surprises, no mistakes, and still no awkward moments. Today was a comfortable day at work, a moment to hug my dog, a nice conversation with a friend about travel and the future, and a quiet moment to myself. Tonight was just A tribute party to Jeff Buckley, Great Music Included, A fabulous bottle of wine, and some nice company to boot.
On a slightly different note...I hope sincerely that i find someone who will cherish me for who I am, be it traveling with me(which I'd prefer) or me going it alone if that is what it takes...I hope...I hope...I hope to find what it is that I am seeking...I will find the love I deserve and give the love that is deserved, Shall it only be that simple. I know that it is.

Who else would you want to cuddle with while you read Harry Potter?

One of the best sunsets ever...for many reasons.

This is the best I can do...liam will not sit still for a photo...i need to hire a professional.

Extreme Homework.

I have successfully made it though another weekend of extreme homework. I only got to watch the end of the cowboys game on Sunday(Yay!) because of it. I had to write a resume, do a take home quiz,, write a paper and a job interview presentation ...but i accomplished it all. And I am feeling pretty good about myself. I Start my new (second) job tonight ( or I train) hope it goes well. But I dont have class on thurs. so hooray. I feel quite a bit less stressed at the moment and the New puppy is an angel...ok not really but he is cute. I do feel it is time for the girls to get together and do each others hair...ok not really but we do need to hang out.

coffee sometime?

Sooo...One of the guys that Heather and I partied way too hard with in Cartagena, Colombia this summer is now in LA hanging out with TJ(another guy we partied way too hard with) and now he has decided to head to Austin on his way back to Argentina(On a motorcycle). SO I have so graciously offered to show him Austin, Hopefully with Heathers help. HE has also informed me that he is going to try to get TJ to join as well. Could be fun...hope i have time to show him around. I love the fact that i Now have friends scattered about the globe...Venezuela, Argentina, Isreal, Ireland...the beauty of traveling.

New dreams for old.

What is new! I got a puppy. His name is Liam(he is absolutely adorable). Bobby(my cat) doesnt seem to mind him too much. Heres hoping. Dont forget to go Vote everyone! Seriously.

If I had a world of my own...

I wouldnt change a thing.

"Lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice, and it lights up the night..."

Today.

well today was for going to school, fixing the fence in the backyard with Laurie(my new roomate, how exciting) so the dog cannot escape. Finding out that unless I go to the courthouse, in 25 or so days, I cannot not get a payment plan on the Two, count em, Two moving violations that I owe A total of $250 dollars on. NO payment plan, unless I talk to the Judge. And even then no guarantees. Damn. I will never have that and the loads of other bills by Dec. It may be time for a second Job. But where?
Laurie and I also went running and now I am eating Ramen, yes people, because right now i Seriously cannot afford much more than Ramen and pb and j. Except for the fact that i am broke things are actually pretty great right now. As long as I do not let the whole money thing get me down, my life is really good... I am happy, even eating Ramen.
Plus, tonight i get to hang out with Laurie, Scott, and Carlos(who I have not seen in forever) and possibly Alex, who can always make me laugh...so that is really exciting.

I Think its over.

I think. So I have had the most stressful time of my life recently. I have broke down into tears at least once a day for the last month or so. Money, Relationships, Life has just not been so great for me lately. I have been walking around looking at my shoes for quite some time. I have not wanted to ask for help because that is not what i do. I just kind of keep it all in while it screws me up more and more. Finally, yesterday I had to give in. I called my grandmother, in tears, and asked for some help. I hated to have to do this, but realized that it was my only way out. Hopefully this will help me in more ways than one.
This morning i got an email that made me cry again, but in a great way...it was my grandfather...he told me not to worry that it would be ok...and that he and my grandmother are still very proud of me.
I realize that it is in the hardest times of our lives that those who truly love us will let us know how much they care.
I have felt really lost in a lot of ways lately but I know that I am going to be OK. As much as i have said it lately, I am really starting to believe it. It is going to be alright. I still have not gotten past the crying but i will.
I needed this maybe...no I didnt, but i can try to believe that if I want.
Good Things...Laurie is moving in. My ex and I finally have an agreement. My Sister is moving in with her boyfriend(i wish her the best). I can pay my bills, for now. And I have plenty of people who love me and that i love.

When we were fab.

ok... A. I need to listen to more Audioslave...a band i have not given enough attention to... B. I love the fact that i am getting to old to party...I spent this evening at Scott's party and stood in the kitchen with the girls drinking coffee. Ha we are like old ladies. But i had a great time. Laughing. Melanie's costume was freakin hilarious too. She was Katie Holmes, complete with scientology book, huge rock, and pregnant. Funny. Check out her blog if you want to see photos.
Ahhh fab evening. Night.

Why must we find those little things when we were doing so well? It is someone's way of being funny. Ha ha, oh you think you are ok, well then let me remind of things you are trying to get over. Ha ha. You thought you had destroyed all the evidence...do a little cleaning and you will realize it takes years to destroy all the evidence. Damn tiny birthday cards. Ha ha whoever you are...you are so freakin funny.

ooh scary movies

After an extremely long day of work and more work i got to take a much needed evening with the girls.
We spent most of the evening and all of this morning watching really really bad horror flicks and yelling at the television. Why are people in these movies so extremely stupid and why are we dumb enough to sit glued to the tube yelling obsenities at them. Because it is histerical. Nights like these I absolutely love; hot chocolate, bad movies, and great company. At least it gets my mind off the thousands of thoughts I have going through my head at this point. At least I am not confused anymore. I am just taking my time and living.

Yet another Horror-ay for girl day!

Maybe?

It may be possible that tonight i have finally taken a step foward. I hurt. But i have finally begun to accept the things that I have been given and not given in my life. I know what it is that i deserve and i know what it is that i want. But, How do we know when to give up the fight; somethings we want just may never be right. It is finally accepting this fact that somehow we let go. We move on. How do we know when the time is right for this? We just do. Somehow we know where to head in our lives even if it is not what we had planned all along. As long as we are not second guessing ourselves then we have truly made our hearts decision. Somehow I will get to this place that i am supposed to be going and those that truly love me will still be there along side.

Ghandi

"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave."
Ghandi

Ahh Latin America.(Moved)

Ahhh Latin America.
Where throwing away trash within feet of a trash can is completely acceptable behavior.
Transporting your live baby pigs in the cargo area of the bus is the way to go.
Where you still fill your car up with gas with the engine in idle.
Where it is common place to see someone walking around selling the much needed travel items such as: underwear, socks, lamps (why not), and the ever essential two pens and a wallet.
Where people still understand the normality of being able to casually bribe the police officers.
Mmmm...eating cute but delicious little Rory the guinea pig.
Having the option to nonchalantly relieve yourself in the middle of the street, gentlemen...ahhhh.
Where you understand why the bus driver needs to stop every hour of so to chat on the park bench with his buddies or grab a snack...while the entire bus waits patiently sitting and/or standing.
The best mode of transportation: loading the entire family; mom, dad, and all three kids onto the family moped.
The second best: being able to fit the entire family, immediate and extended, in the back of your shortbed pickup, complete with mattress, for a saturday at the beach. Yayyy.
The reasons why we love it sooooo much.

To know Me(repeat)

i love to be alone. i should spend more time alone. i should spend less time alone. Books. i love to read. i need to read more. i need to read more books with substance. i need to only read what i love. i dont understand why people litter. i used to like smoking. i am glad i quit smoking. i like beer. i think drinking alcohol is silly. i dont want to have regrets in my life. i dont. i have tons of illusions. i love to travel. i miss my home and my friends when i am traveling. i miss traveling when i'm at home with my friends. i talk too much. i am too loud. i love being loud. i annoy myself. women annoy me. men annoy me. i love my friends. i am glad i have my friends. i dont like "girlie" girls. i love girl days. i like myself. i know what i want out of life. i know i may never have what i want. i will still try to get what i want. somehow i will get what i want. i love music. i adore the beach, the smell, the sound, the sand(yes the sand), the peace. i like poetry. i like to write poetry. i am not good at writing poetry. i want to be good at something. i am good at most things i attempt. i dont always attempt everything i want to. i should. i am going to. i know what it feels like to be in love. i know what it feels like to really be loved. i hope i may feel that again. i know how it feels to get hurt. i dont ever want to hurt anyone. i already have. i hope i never do it again. i come off too strong. i am not really bitchy or mean. i feel like people see me that way. i dont want people to see me that way. i hope that people dont see me that way. i hope people know that i am a nice person. does it matter if everyone knows that? i always try to do things to help others but never anything that anyone notices. i never thought i was pretty. i think people are strange. i think i am strange. i like being strange. i dont like whatifs. i wont ever wonder what if. i do what makes me happy. i am not always happy. i am happy right now. some people are convinced they know me. they dont really know me.

woohoo!

All i can really say is that KINGS OF LEON where absolutely awesome last night. I love going to their shows, everyone is dancing, singing, and smiling. I had an amazing time. Honestly all I can say is that they Rock...I love rock and roll...ahhhh music.

These nights out are scaring me.

So even when i think that we could never top the lunacy that is John, Laurie, and I, i am proven wrong.
Last night was another story to tell in our continuing saga. It may have started out a bit slow, eating pizza and watching football, but somehow it again kicked up into a free fer all of fantastic freakin fun! Camera included, we tore through downtown and were even introduced to Wilmer Valderama( aka Fez) who was doing Kareoke at Beerland. His bodyguard bought us all beers. The pictures from the evening are still making me lose it. When animals attack...Where is the fountain...oh no its a air unit...and Glamour shots by Deb(thanks Mel)...oh and dont forget the Ace of Clubs mysteriously on the ceiling.... I am afraid that one day we will not be able to top the last time. When are you having to much fun?

The way we love each other.

After my girls left me, at Gingerman last night, i sat quietly, sipping my wine and really trying to take it all in. I listened to my music on the jukebox finish playing. And i thought...I am really happy with my life and the decisions that i have made. If only my girls and i could find someone who appreciates us the way we do each other. I dont think that it is impossible. I just believe that it may be harder than we thought it would.
And keeping it wont be easy...because both people have to be trying. Really trying. Which ever road i take though i know i will be happy. Because that is what i want most in life, for me and those i love to just be happy. Last night, we happened to discuss...If you cannot have what you want, then would you just settle for what comes close? The key word here for me is Settle...does anyone want to settle...is a relationship that important in life to settle. I dont think so. I would honestly rather be alone than to settle for something that isnt making me happy. For some settling maybe the way to go...a fear of spending the rest of your life ALONE...ooh scary isnt it. Not for me. I will always have friends and I will always have myself and hopefully one day I wont have to settle. The man that i want to share my life with and am happy with will be there on the same page.
*sigh* If only we could find someone who appreciates us and loves us, the way we do each other.

It has been decided...

night lights should be an essential household item...and yet i dont have any. I should fix this, and i will no longer need to blindly stumble through the house at night. I know...you say, turn on a light but sometimes an overhead light is just too much, like the sunshine when you have spent an entire night drinking. Anyway, i am going to invest in some night lights.

Unicorns are pretty cool.

jinkies, i am so freakin tired. One more double...it will only be the fourth in Four days. 8 shifts in four days! Who are we kidding? I am Tired. Need money. need sleep. pudding. applesauce. so tired. must sleep. Magical dreams of marshmallow lollypops.........................................

Im a little lost

I have been spending an awful lot of time around people and yet i still feel very alone. Even when i am with them. Dont get me wrong everyone is great. I am just...well... not, so to speak. I am still trying to figure a lot of things out about me. And the closer I think i have gotten...the more alone i feel. I know i will get through this time...but it makes me want to spend a whole lot more of my time by myself. Which has become the new plan of action. I am even going to go to see Kings of Leon by myself next week, and that is the way that i want it. I just need....me...i think to get through and no one else.

yay for girl days

I have had the most wonderful girl days in the past few weeks. I am so glad that i have the girlfriends that I do. And i honestly appreciate every new one that i recieve. Ladies, i dont know if you used to despise women as much as i used to, until one day i found a really great one. Then i moved here to Austin and found Laurie and Melanie. I am constantly making more. One day you seem, or at least i did, to realize that women really understand you. And you need people in your life that understand you. Someone you can go to when you have a problem and the last thing they want to do is FIX it...they will just listen until you figure out a way to fix it on your own. And no matter how many times you make the same mistakes...they will pick you up when you fall...All these and more are the reasons that i Absolutely Adore my girlfriends. I know they will always be there for me. And i just want to say thank you.