What I have become...

I am in a weird mood. But Kimmie and Enrique are supposed to be coming to see me next weekend and I am going to see Snow Patrol! And the mavs need one more win this evening to move on. So many things to look forward to.

Go Mavs!

The game tonight, as well as the last one, has kept me on the edge of my seat till the very end. OT and the mavs need one more win. I am so excited. Sorry if you are a spurs fan like my poor roomate.

"I know the last page so well, I cant read the first"

I just really want to be alone. I just dont want to deal with anymore heartache, anymore pain, anymore men taking me for granted. I suppose that for the most part it is me...i am not ready to find someone new yet. And that is ok. But sometimes I still feel like i am not worth it. Today I broke down into tears, with thoughts wizzing through my head about my self-worth. It is hard to find someone new when your past has got you trapped into believing your not fantastic. In retrospect I dont suppose that any of this matters because deep deep down I know the truth. I am fantastic. I suppose that i am just having a rough day. I really truly just want to get my debt paid off so that i can go to Costa Rica and take that class, get a job teaching, and travel alot. More Europe, Africa, Austrailia, India, and then at some point back here. I dont really want to do all this traveling alone but I dont mind if that is my only option. Which right now, It is. My only problem right now, the only thing holding me back is my dog (but I will work that out). Wish me luck everyone...this is my dream...may i see it through.

it was aaaawesome

I saw Mogwai tonight AND the show was freakin awesome! Awesome! Did I mention that it was awesome!

sunshine makes me ti-red

I had a wonderful day...I love the greenbelt...Ended up meeting Heather and Jason down there and spent a few hours swimming. I completely wore out my dog....Lots of swimming and fun with rope swings. My heart is happier today than usual. *sigh*

It cant hurt.

I hardly have a thing to say at all. I have had the pleasure of being sick for the last week...I have spent most of the time napping. It probably didnt help me get better when i decided to hang out on the guadalupe for ben's birthday or spend the next day floating the comal. I have been taking it easy for the most part and i am getting a bit better. Tonight my roomate wants me to go dancing and since it has been quite some time since i have done that I am thinking about it. We shall see.

Something my friend Enrique said to me recently...

"Nice guys are a dime dozen, Good men are the ones that are hard to find."

My glass is half full.

Lunch on sunday with Heather and Deanna was great, then I spent some wine time at Heather's. Got New Pics of South America, which will make a great scrapbook!
Then Sunday night we had our first midnight float of the season. 14 people down the comal. It was a ton of fun and thank goodness i wasnt nearly as gone as I was last time. I made it up the stairs quite easily. Drinking less is always much better. After getting home around 5am (yikes). I still managed to get 4 hrs sleep and work this morning, no hangover(cause I only had four beers)

Plus today turned out to be a fantastic day. I headed down to Barton springs with my pup and played with him for a few hours. Then I enjoyed dinner at Bouldin(yummy), and then I went all out and got Amy's Icecream. I am in love with Almond Joy(Mex. Vanilla, coconut, Almonds, and Hot fudge(mmmmm) I must say I spent a lovely day by myself for the most part, reading Harry Potter. Tonight is for Watching movies. I am excited about that too. SO far this is starting out to be a really good week. Plus i get another mini vacation in Cedra jail, but it pays well.

Satisfy my Soul...

I have been thinking alot about where I went wrong or simply where things turned and went. It is strange when someone who used to let you know everything, shuts down and hides all their feelings inside. You believe that you know how they really feel but it is just that, A belief. And now the question is, does it matter anymore? Well, the answer is of course. But the problem is that you have run smack dab into a huge wall and the door to the other side can only be opened with some help. But you are the only one pulling.
And at some point you are exhausted and cant pull alone anymore. So then the question becomes should you give up? And you dont know how to give up but you dont know how to keep going.
In the past I have been pouring my heart into getting this door open. Pulling, waiting, trying to be there in any way that I was allowed. Trying to prove myself. But still the door is closed.
In the end I dont know how to prove myself except for just being me, being loving, being a friend, being honest, and communicating how I feel. If this isnt enough then I have to walk around the wall on my own. Which I never wanted to do. But how long is too long? Inside I know that I have so much love to give but I need to be giving it to someone who wants it from me...someone who appreciates me, who doesnt take me for granted. Someone who loves me back without fear. Someone who, well, just loves me. Through all my faults, through every bad day and every good one, through every bump in the road, through every boulder. Someone who believes that no matter how hard it may be at times, they feel that I am worth it. Someone who includes me in there plans or at least wants to include me. And realizes it. I know it is possible for someone to feel this way about me because I have felt the same for someone. And deep down I still havent given up hope but when someone tells me to go, what else can I do? No matter what your heart wants, you have to be listening to hear.

Bob Dylan and Merle Haggard

Wow. I had a really great day yesterday. And the show last night was amazing.

What no one wants to really know bout me.

My favorite being on this earth right now is my dog, liam, followed by just a few close seconds. I am absolutely compulsive about cleaning for the most part. If I get to spend one hour swimming and playing in the sun I am soooo happy. I attempt to see the beauty in every single thing I see and every person I meet, even the angry ones. Music is something that my life would be empty without. I am incrediably alive when I am traveling. The beach is one of the most serene places in the world to me. I adore all the people who remain a constent in my life, and i am glad that i call all of you friends. There are so many tiny things in life that bring me peace and make me glad to be alive. To be in love, I hope that i never lose that feeling, no matter what that may mean, no matter where my life takes me. I have never been more lost OR more happy in my life. I know every thing in my heart and in my head and i am glad that for once I understand myself. I get goosebumps, quite often, when something or someone touches my soul. I really want people to understand me. I love taking naps, snuggling, falling asleep in the sun, reading, learning, swimming. I get joy out of making others smile. I am trying to improve myself everyday and be a better person. Really happy moments make me cry. Beautiful people with amazing souls make me smile. xoxoxo.

Is it possible?

Not to care so much, I truly wish I didnt.........I had a really fantastic time last night. I saw Deb Talan for the first time and had her sign my cds. Their show was amazing and so was Matt the Electrician, their opener. I shall have to go see him again. I had a really great time, spent a lot of money yesterday but enjoyed spending every penny.

today was great!

I didnt have to work my shift this morning so I ate tons of fruit and did nothing. Until I went to Barton Springs and had a couple hours in the sun before I headed off to work, still smelling like sunscreen. ahhhh. And i didnt do to shabby as far as money goes this evening. Plus I found out that I might get to see a show tomorrow night if I dont get called in for on-call(crosses-fingers) Heres hoping. Night.

Yesterday was a really really great day for me. The girls and I spent the day out at the lake. And then had a few beers in the evening. I love getting to spend time with them. We talk about everything and somehow at the end of the day you feel better about life. Even though it is hard, it is really great to have people who will enjoy the day with you and listen and ultimately understand where you are coming from. *sigh* Good times. Plus today has not been to shabby either.

every once in awhile, I feel utterly lost in a life that i am not sure is mine. I feel like I have a lump caught in my throat that no matter what I do, I cant swallow it. Why? I have plenty of people who love me and I have seen and done more in the short time I have been here than most people. So what is missing that is making me feel this way. Every time that i try to figure it out I feel like running away. Disappearing to where no one can find me. Just taking a step back from it all. And the problem is I dont know what i want from life, or actually I know what i want I just dont know how to obtain it. I know what would make me happy forever! In almost every way in life. At least I'd like to think that i do. But in the end I am at a loss as to how to obtain anything. I suppose that i am not the only one who feels this way but it is hard not to feel alone at times like these. I keep thinking that if i just go to sleep, i will wake up tomorrow and have it all worked out. But that never happens. I have been a mess for the last year and I am tired. I have no motivation to get organized. I need to find my motivation.

Someone talk to me.

Sometimes it is a bit hard to be in here(Cedra). Alone. Reading. Watching movies I have seen a thousand times. And I dont even really have my phone cause it is dying and I dont have a charger(thanks Liam). But at least this money will get me ahead of the game again. With a bit of money saved and not worrying about bills so much. Plus, I have Friday, on which I am heading to see Kimmie, to look forward to. Margaritas in Mexico, beach time(as long as it's sunny, hell even if it's not, i love the beach). And my friend I hardly get to see. I hate making the drive alone and at the same time I love it. Ok I better go. I am rambling and who reads this anyway?

Its storming outside. I love that sound.

I am trying not to hard to ponder things that are impossible.
But on a great note. I love Austin and music. Today I got into a private event held by the BBC and heard so much awesome music for about four hours. The final band was Snow Patrol!
Everyone around me was British or in a band. What a fantastic day. I want to buy a wristband next year and take the week off of work. mwah.

What am i doing? Accckkk, i dont know. When did I lose track of myself? When? I need to put my head back on.
And get out this weird mode that i am in.
This week at work is going to be a bit insane. Double after double for me. Till saturday. Save Save Save, that is what i need to start doing. I'll start by spending more time at home.

The most important thing we can do in life is to feel. As much as you possibly can. Let down walls and feel. Weither or not the feeling are happiness, anger, sorrow, they are still feelings. And we have them. What if this is it? Our only chance, One chance to experence and feel as much in life as you can. Should we fear what may come later, if we feared loss, would we ever find love. And if we feared life would we really live. I believe that fear alone could ruin a man and keep them from really living. And i want to experience everything. Without sorrow, we would never know joy.