every once in awhile, I feel utterly lost in a life that i am not sure is mine. I feel like I have a lump caught in my throat that no matter what I do, I cant swallow it. Why? I have plenty of people who love me and I have seen and done more in the short time I have been here than most people. So what is missing that is making me feel this way. Every time that i try to figure it out I feel like running away. Disappearing to where no one can find me. Just taking a step back from it all. And the problem is I dont know what i want from life, or actually I know what i want I just dont know how to obtain it. I know what would make me happy forever! In almost every way in life. At least I'd like to think that i do. But in the end I am at a loss as to how to obtain anything. I suppose that i am not the only one who feels this way but it is hard not to feel alone at times like these. I keep thinking that if i just go to sleep, i will wake up tomorrow and have it all worked out. But that never happens. I have been a mess for the last year and I am tired. I have no motivation to get organized. I need to find my motivation.

Someone talk to me.

Sometimes it is a bit hard to be in here(Cedra). Alone. Reading. Watching movies I have seen a thousand times. And I dont even really have my phone cause it is dying and I dont have a charger(thanks Liam). But at least this money will get me ahead of the game again. With a bit of money saved and not worrying about bills so much. Plus, I have Friday, on which I am heading to see Kimmie, to look forward to. Margaritas in Mexico, beach time(as long as it's sunny, hell even if it's not, i love the beach). And my friend I hardly get to see. I hate making the drive alone and at the same time I love it. Ok I better go. I am rambling and who reads this anyway?

Its storming outside. I love that sound.

I am trying not to hard to ponder things that are impossible.
But on a great note. I love Austin and music. Today I got into a private event held by the BBC and heard so much awesome music for about four hours. The final band was Snow Patrol!
Everyone around me was British or in a band. What a fantastic day. I want to buy a wristband next year and take the week off of work. mwah.

What am i doing? Accckkk, i dont know. When did I lose track of myself? When? I need to put my head back on.
And get out this weird mode that i am in.
This week at work is going to be a bit insane. Double after double for me. Till saturday. Save Save Save, that is what i need to start doing. I'll start by spending more time at home.

The most important thing we can do in life is to feel. As much as you possibly can. Let down walls and feel. Weither or not the feeling are happiness, anger, sorrow, they are still feelings. And we have them. What if this is it? Our only chance, One chance to experence and feel as much in life as you can. Should we fear what may come later, if we feared loss, would we ever find love. And if we feared life would we really live. I believe that fear alone could ruin a man and keep them from really living. And i want to experience everything. Without sorrow, we would never know joy.

Sunrise, sunset.

Wow! Five in the morning is really early to wake up when you go to bed at 3am. On the road at five thirty this morning to take Laurie to the airport. It was still dark and we got to watch the sunrise. After dropping Laurie off, Mel and I decided to grub at Denny's and then head to the galleria to shop. We spent litterally five hours wandering around and getting lost. But I had a really fantastic time. We did a lot of window shopping including a sparkely peek into Tiffanys. A bite to eat and we were finally headed home...and caught the sunset on the way home, b e a utiful.
Finally i am home and utterly exhausted with only two hours of sleep and a crap ton of coffee in me. When the caffiene wears off I am out for the night. Ta ta.

The girls and I are headed to houston on sunday...Miss Laurie is on a plane to Mexico for a couple of days and Then Mel and I will run around Houston or Galveston doing whatever our hearts may desire. That is all.

Last night was very weird. That is all i have to say about that.

There are 1000 things that i wish i could say right here right now. But i just cant. I had a really long talk with my roomate tonight about where i need to be in life emotionally right now and why I need to stop blaming myself for things that obviously are not my fault. I think I know what to do. And she fully supports me. And yet i dont know where any of my decisions will lead me but that is the way it is. I am tired of being stagnent and bottled up. Which is what i have been for a very long time, and i need to let go of a lot of fears and resentments before I can move forward. But, in a way, that sounds like taking a leap off a mountain and not knowing whether or not my parachute will open. I know that is the way i used to and should continue to live so here goes. I hope.

The story really saddens,

unfortunatly the story takes a turn for the worse, and this really makes me sad.

(http://www.news8austin.com/content/top_stories/default.asp?ArID=155435)

I had an interesting and enjoyable afternoon. I was supposed to meet Laurie at Polvos for margaritas and upon arriving we witnessed a house in flames being put out by the AFD. All while standing and gawking from the roof of Polvos. We then decided to head to Guerros, being that neither one of us had been there. I had two margaritas that were exactly what i wanted, lime juice, tequila, and triple sec, no nastly sweet and sour to ruin the taste. The conversation was great, bullshit, some real issues and tons of stuff that didnt matter. All in all a really great happy hour. And to top it off, we saw Luke Wilson walk into the place as well.

hmmmm

Wow! I really hadn't realized that it had been so long since I last posted until I was told. Hmmm. Well I am finally enjoying a night in ALONE, My roomate is out of town. I am listening to music, loudly, and cleaning. Getting organized is always a great feeling for me. I need to call Cedra and get into a study here very soon. And I am almost and I repeat, almost caught up on the bills. The tickets are paid off and I dont have to do anymore Def Driving, at least for awhile. I have been having a great time lately, lots has gone on. Spoon was FREAKIN AMAZING last night, it made me so happy. I enjoyed a couple beers afterwards with John while he summed me up in a nutshell. I still havent figured it all out. But for the most part I am doing really well. Mwah.

dragging my feet.

Some days i have a great deal of trouble getting through...not to say that today has been diffucult but often I find myself in self destruct mode, where I am not sure what is wrong with me. It's like a scene from When Harry Met Sally, "What is wrong with me, why didnt he want to be with me(sob, sob) .." etc. etc.
I have such huge, gigantic, walls up at this point that I wouldnt know how to begin to let someone in. I just dont want to go on a date...and i have been asked, It seems that, a bit here lately, I have been bombarded with possibilities and I dont care. I just shrink back into my comfy little shell that i have created for myself and hide. Why am I hiding. Why do I feel bad about myself. Maybe I wont when I meet the right person, Right, is that it? OR maybe I will and I will never even know what I missed out on. I want to be alone but at times it is, well, lonely. And other times, or should I say most of the time it is, well, not. What am I getting at? I have no idea to say the least. I think I am a good person. I believe that when I love, I give it my all. And somehow I always give my all to those who arent really giving back.
Is it that I have yet to be with someone who is strong enough to be with me. Or am I the one who isnt strong enough? And at the end of the day why do I care about any of this. What am I trying to figure out. I'm not really trying to figure myself out. Maybe I am trying to figure out how others percieve me and why anyone would like me. I know why I like myself but I am not sure anyone else really sees the me that I like. did that make any sense?
Maybe what I am saying is when do I get to meet my Harry? "I'm going to be fourty" "Someday"

Enjoying the uncertainty.

Today was a really amazing day for me...the weather was amazing...I was in a fantastic mood...I hiked four miles on the greenbelt and sat by the water for a spell soaking in the sun. I had a perfect day.

human life occurs only once, and the reason we cannot determine which of our decisions are good and which are bad is that in a given situation we can make only one decision; we are not granted a second, third, or fourth life in which to compare various decisions. -milan kundera

Looking forward without turning back.

I am in a strange place...but I have this amazing drive to just get up and go. To get things done, take a trip, let go, move forward. I feel incrediably sad but amazingly happy. I understand every inch of myself and my feeling for once in my life and it feels great. I can tell you why I feel, have felt, or done everything that I have and I feel good about it. No excuses, no confusion, no fate, no unhappy memories, just me. And I am glad that i have done everything that I have done no matter what. In a way, I am saying I have no regrets, save one, and that is that I didnt feel this way long ago. Like myself, like a knew who I was, all the possiblities that I may have in front of me, having all the people in my life that adore me and that i adore. Whatever lies ahead at least now I can walk forward with open eyes.

those we really, truly call our friends

who are the people in your life that you really refer to as your friends? Are they the ones that you occasionally spend an evening with, or someone you keep in slight touch, OR are they the people in your life that you go to in time of need. The ones who understand you because, you have given all of yourself to them...let them know who you are, answered all the questions, given away all your secrets, never told a lie to, and felt through each hardship, each crisis and even every bright moment in your togetherness that you draw closer to these people and understand them more and more. Arent these the people who you want to spend your days with. the ones who are willing to open up and let you know them and you do the same in return. The people you can be honest with, The people who never judge you, never tell you what to do(only give you their personal experiences and know that no matter what, that is what they are, their experiences not yours), love you and know you know what is best for yourself, support you in all the mistakes you make, never ridicule you abour the choices you make. Arent these your true friends? The ones you hope to keep till your last days...the ones that you will always cherish. I hope you have yours. I certainly have mine and hope to have more of the same someday.

they say its your birthday...

Wow! today has been an absolutely beautiful day and I have enjoyed it thoroughly, going running with my dog...spending a few moments in the sun etc. I hope that you all have enjoyed it too. I really really want to see everyone there on my birthday FRIDAY...you are only as old as you feel, right? The plan, so far, is dinner at PF Changs and then off to somewhere else, i have not quite decided where that will be but i will keep everyone posted. Those of you who are going to join, let me know.

Ummm so laurie and i just witnessed, in video, the drunkeness that was our New Year's Party and I had to laugh quite a few times, I was a little apprehensive about watching it to begin with....why we have all this on film is beyond me but you can witness the drunken progression of us all. All i can say is that I had a really fantastic evening, almost everyone that i wanted to be there came. And I am thrilled that it is a new year and my BIRTHDAY is this Friday, so everyone get ready for some more fun.