i think for my sanity...i need to get out of town for a bit...take at least a week off and go somewhere inexpensive...but where?

shoo fly don't bother me!!!

it's my cake. and the damn fly keeps trying to make me share. Well news flash to all the flies in the world...i don't like to share my cake. I'll share my garbage or my leftovers but HELL if i will share my cake. So back off!!!

Last night was near perfect...

Cake was awesome!!! I had a blast. And the Mavs finished off the spurs!!!

Cake!!! Tonight!!! don't care which song they play...i love them all!!!

Love you madly
Cake (comfort eagle)

Great bumper sticker the other day.

My Honor Student has a career in the Service Industry

Life is short -- Break the rules! Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.

Matt Costa
Yellow Taxi

2-1

GO MAVS!

When you’re searching your soul
When you’re searching for pleasure
How often, pain is all you find
But when you’re coasting along and nobody’s trying too hard
You can turn around and like where you are


The Sundays

IS

leaving

my aunt molly's house always smelled like Lysol disinfectant spray... i miss that smell.
traveling, i would always smell the exhaust from the countless buses and bus stations i spent an immense amount of time traveling through... i know it's strange but...i miss that smell.
I absolutely love the smell of the ocean, the sand. I miss that smell.
Bananas are my absolute favorite fruit, i eat them almost everyday... hopefully i will never miss this smell.


to be continued.

I have an insane desire lately to write...but whenever i sit down and try to write i come up blank. I am trying to overcome this...writers block but the truth is i havent written anything in quite some time that i feel had any substance. *sigh*
I'll figure it out one of these days just as i always do...right now i am just rambling...hoping that in my rambles something amazing will decide to surface...yeah who am i kidding..amazing...i dont think so.

It is time to buy a plane ticket.

Molly kinda wants to go into hiding.

my kids...so to speak.

I absolutely love the spring time...it makes me incredibly happy.

Kitchen Chair

I found this...i wrote it a few years ago and i have to say it is one of my favorites.



There she has sat for many years and doubtless will for more.
Solitary upon her kitchen chair with her eyes directed towards the door.
For a time, she had unquestionable tenderness, that long ago set adrift.
It slipped away not hastily but with each passing tide would shift.
Upon the day it left her she ceased to feel complete.
And now she spends her lonely days perched upon this seat.
Waiting, listless, longing for that feeling of tenderness to return.
But now this task she has set before her remains her one concern.
To wait, to watch, silently in her space.
For another chance, another time or place.
She imagines there it stands, waiting, just out of her sight.
But never leaving her kitchen chair has now become her plight.
To search she feels she musn't. To leave she somehow fears.
What if in her searching it simply returns after all these years.
The longing, completely consuming, the desire always there.
For now she remains waiting, solitary, upon the kitchen chair.

Molly 2007

"Get a Bicycle. You will not regret it, if you live" Mark Twain.

I lived.

I now have too many hangers...and need to go to buffalo exchange with most of the ridiculously large pile of clothes now on my bedroom floor. But first...i am headed to go check out a new camera para mi. Then to the greenbelt with Liam. Then possibly to Ginger man for pint night. Who knows...it is an absolutely gorgeous day outside.

Molly is going to run away

You're Sitting in a chair...IN THE SKY!

I am tired. However i have no desire to sleep. Life is just making me tired. I want it to be June 15th. I want to be on a plane. I want to be trekking through a cloud forest. Or wandering through a loud market. Sleeping in an uncomfortable bed, that makes me homesick. Hiking up a volcano to watch the sunrise. Sitting with my feet in the sand on a beach I've never been to; staring out at the waves crashing. Waking up somewhere new. Riding on a loud uncomfortable bus. Talking to someone I've never met in a language i don't know very well. Writing those i miss. Spending all day walking, taking pictures, experiencing life, eating, seeing...living.

panama

Since i didn't make it down this way last trip to central America...i have decided to add panama to the itinerary

To Do List

1. Purchase plan ticket.
2. Purchase a new camera.
3. Save Mucho Mas dinero. (time to settle down with spending for a bit)
4. Pick up some extra shifts at work.
5. Find a dog sitter for my animal friends.
6. Pack my bags and get ready to go...
7. Cause i'm leavin on a jet plane.

Tell me do you believe
In the girl that is me
With her feet to your feet
Well that’s all that I need

Cause time will go
And we may be
Far apart I know
But as far as I can see
This is so good
There’s no need for change
It’s alright with me
It’s as simple as it should be
Simple as it should be -----Tristan Prettyman

"Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself."
Kahlil Gibran


"Love and doubt have never been on speaking terms."
Kahlil Gibran

Saving the Date.

the date is set...no later than June 15th...that now gives me three months...got to get it together. 2 weeks in Costa Rica and 2 weeks somewhere else.

cause i really liked this one.

human life occurs only once, and the reason we cannot determine which of our decisions are good and which are bad is that in a given situation we can make only one decision; we are not granted a second, third, or fourth life in which to compare various decisions. -milan kundera

the god damn plane has crashed into the mountain!

I have recently been rereading all the posts i have made in the past. It seems, to me at least, that when i first started putting my thoughts down here...my writing was more honest...and sometimes even a tad bit humorous (at least to myself, hey if you can make one person laugh). Maybe, i haven't been taking myself seriously for a long time...whatever the reason, i am disconcerted. And have the desire, need, to change things.
Not even just to change things in this blog but to change things i am doing in my life. I am certain that i have not entirely been taking myself seriously in many aspects for quite some time now. I have been planning a trip for about 8 months now and find that i am no closer to leaving than i was when i started. The desire is there, the yearning, the needing, but something inside this silly little head of mine has been slowing me down. This needs to change. No more postponing..."This will not stand, man."

So i am setting a date. Enough is enough. "The god damn plane has crashed into the mountain!"

not all who wander are lost

i am wandering through this life just hoping for the things that make me happy...it's not to hard to know what these things are when you find them...suppose it is the search that makes it difficult...so instead of searching i suppose i will keep wandering.

A dust covered window obstructs the view...
and somewhere on the opposite side...a endless sky of blue.
A shattered heart conceals the truth...
a miraculous passion within the depths of you.
A fearful soul disguises the way...
to an endless road of happiness, one can only really know today.
A bitter past shrouds a hopeful future
with the dismal convictions of what cannot be.

Were one to wake each morning with thoughts of only the day ahead.
And lay down to rest with simply the intention of tomorrow.
To forget the mysterious future with thoughts of only here and now.

To never fear tomorrow is to know we can only be alive in this moment.
Silence the shattered heart, for it is your past.
Quiet the fearful soul, for it speaks not for today.
Listen only to the blissful heart for it speaks of what we know to be.
A love we have found within ourselves, a future that is impossible to see.
This very moment in time is all that can matter if a heart is truly allowed to be free.


Molly 2009

figured it out

So for once in my life i think i have really finally figured a few things out. Good things

Goals for the Next year...

Read my friends and realized i should have my own.

1. Go to Vegas, Denver, and Costa rica(for a month) in March.
2. Get a job with southwest airlines.
3. Work on going back to school.
4. Always be myself...no matter what.
5. Love as much as I can...
6. Be passionate about life.

I should just buy this ticket

Holy crap i found a multicity ticket to vegas, denver, costa rica, and back to austin for about $550. i need to just buy this ticket and that will make me bust my ass and save the money that i need to head to costa rica for a month and a week in the other cities. Holy shit!!! I am excited. If the price is the same at the end of the week i am just going to buy it. Hooray me!!!

so costa rica...when shall i see you again.

I have not been able to get into a cedra study or save an obscene amount of money...so costa rica seems to get pushed back over and over again. When will i see it again. It appears it will be sometime this summer...and i will be going even if only for two weeks. I am going to push for april or may. Wish me luck.

I have made a decision

When i get into this study that i have signed up for on next tuesday. And i am sure that i am officially a subject and not a backup. I will be purchasing my ticket to costa rica for late January. That way i will have to get my ass on saving for the trip and have no way of postponing it back month after month. This i believe is a good plan.

could you be loved?

So the results are in...and the word precancerous has reared its ugly little head. While i am reassured that it is mearly PRE...i cannot shake the C-word following it up so closely. i have to say that i am more than a little bit freaked out but i also feel that i am coping rather well. Although part of that coping comes from avoiding thinking about it.

Officially awful days

Doctor's. Ugh. yuck. All i will say is that i do not like the girl doctor.

I wish, I wish, I wish...

For sooo many things right now. For the money to go to Costa Rica, to not have to deal with any problems that start with the C word, Even wishes as simple as getting to spend this evening with a great guy. Maybe even for the desire to write some more poetry, it has been a long time since i've written anything at all.

Why of why wont they let me fly?

So as i and the rest of the country are already aware...the economy is not so good. With our severe dependence on foreign oil we are slipping in so many industries. I am sure that in a year or so our economy will begin to turn around and face the right direction again...well maybe not "SURE" but definatly optomistic about it doing so. The only way in which it is affecting me in my current situation is that things are more expensive and i havent been able to get a job with SWA let alone an interview. But im holding out, knowing that i a year or so they will lift the hiring freeze and i will be on my way "free to move about the county"
As for everything else in my world...it is great. I have a neato new apt that will be costing me less money. I am taking care of a few health issues. And i am dating someone new :)

acl bound

So usually i am super excited about the arrival of ACL and for some reason i am sort of "cool" about this year. I should or would have already been there at this time every year previously. but there really isnt anyone i want to see until about three. Oh and i brilliantly forgot my ticket so i have to return home to retrieve it soon. But first...lunch, coffee, and a few words. I am sure that when i arrive at Zilker the feeling will change and i will be super excited but until then i will continue to be hungover from too much fun last night.
Also...i feel that i overanalyze every aspect of my life. I am continually too hard on myself. I have to say that i am ridiculously happy right now but that i worry too much. I am working on putting those thoughts aside every time they appear but I have been a worrier for so long that i find it a bit difficult of a habit to break. But I quit smoking, which was a hard habit to break, so i am sure that i can accomplish this one as well. Hooray Life!!! Life is pretty freaking awesome.

Ideas that work

So far it seems there is only one puzzle piece missing in my life. Come on puzzle piece! How can the fantastic life of fiery red be the most fantastic successfull life ever if you are not in the puzzle? I know that it will happen. I has already begun to unfold so i just need to wait for the rest of it to fall into place. All the pieces are their they just need to be connected.

How Much

How much coffee can i drink in one sitting. Answer...too much and still counting.
I had a really long day at work and tomorrow is the dreaded double. I am in avoidance of packing the apartment for the big move in 10 days. I am nervous and ridiculously excited about the whole thing.
Cha Cha changes. Moving, The big ACL weekend. Starting a new job. Going back to school. Life, love. Hmmm.
as always leaving things as vague as possible.

Also

I found a great site that allows me to go through all the airlines web pages and check to see who is hiring. :)

the future

Sooo... I have bought my Spanish Immersion course and i have also figured out how much more i need to save in the next few months to head to costa rica for a month. The plan at current is to leave November 19 and return on December 24. I have not yet bought my ticket but i really should. I plan to as soon as I move into my new apartment here in a couple weeks. I need to do a least one more study before i leave in November and that should take care of it.
WooHoo!!! I have to say that i am super excited.
I also am really anticipating getting some sort of information from southwest airlines. I letter. Just something. Come on people at southwest give a girl a chance.

ACL

So i have just recently realized that i am going to be moving the day after ACL weekend...which is a huge bummer. I need time to recoupe from the festivities but alas it appears that will not be the case this year. Ah ACL how i love the. Moving how i loathe thee. New apartment how i anticitpate thee. South Austin how i have missed thee. Too bad i cant move before that weekend. I will somehow try to fenagle a way to do that but if i cannot hopefully my moving buddies will not be suffering the same fate. Thank you to all my moving folks in advance for the help. I shall pack well so that the move is as painless as possible.

who knew...

That i had wireless poolside at my apt complex. So yeah...i should have assumed and checked but i didnt think about it until today. But at least i realized it. Right. :D I am super happy and i cant tell you why. I just am. I see really amazing places and moments ahead in my future and in everyday. I am just smiling and dont know why. It is an awesome feeling i have to say. Sure i feel there are a few things i wnat in life...like everytime a plane flies overhead...or everytime i think of well ...but those are easily changed and just something i need to wait for and i dont mind waitin awhile for some of the most important things in life...they are worth waiting for.

Hot!! NO it really is.

my dog is hot, i am hot(in the conventional sense, i am not being concieted :D)
*chews on ice* I love ice but others say it will ruin my teeth. I guess by that theory i love ruining my teeth *chews on ice*
I wish i could write one of those fantastically funny blogs that everyone has to go read because it makes them laugh on a daily basis, your DAILY DOSE of Fiery Red if you will.
So i have started a journal and Im back up blogging for the world to read *waves* "Hellllooo World" Fiery red likes the world no matter what anyone says about it being mean and evil. I think the only mean and evil come from people who dont like the world.

I want to go to the beach and lay in the sand for awhile, *stares blankly*
I suppose i am the only one stopping me in the dream and the pursuit of sand in my bodily crevasses. But i need that sand darnit. And maybe a cold delicious pina colado to go along with it or something with fresh strawberries and bananas. Wait a freakin minute! Why am i sitting here writing all this instead i should be surfing the web for an awesome sand filled crevasse getaway! Ciao! :D

One Day

So i suppose one day the title of my blog will begin to make sense to even me. At this point i am not writing about every town along the way. I have not been anywhere on a trip in a very long time but soon. I plan on heading back to costa rica for about a month since the last time i was there was not the most awesome time it could have been. But with the idea of moving forward i will go back again and do it right. Enjoy the beach And most of AlL ENJOY MYSELF. Something i have been working very hard on doing lately. ENJOYING MYSELF. I am still waiting for Southwest to call me and i am wondering if i should apply with some other airlines or wait it out since i reeeallly want to work for Southwest specifically.

It is hot here in Texas

The fixing life series

In the next month i need to get my laptop fixed or acquire a new one as cost effectively as possible.
I need to save $500.
Get a pair of kickass boots, cause i want them.
Find another job that is not my lovely mexican restaurant (at least make a valiant attempt at finding one)
Take a camping trip with the dog.
Figure out where i will be going on my next trip, be it two weeks or two months.
And be as happy as I possibly can be.
And Focus on my life and what i want.

the searching for love series

So i have recently decided that it is in my best interest to write down what it is that i want out of life. So that my universe can get to work on bringing it to me. So here goes.

I want to be a flight attendant for Southwest Airlines. I have become discouraged here lately but truth is...this is the airline i want to work for...no other, so why would i go somewhere else to find a job. I will be a flight attendant for Southwest Airlines.


I want to be successful in life, love, friendships, being myself, being kind.

I want to travel the world and see new places and make new friends. I want to do this alone, with my friends, maybe someone special.

I want to be able to do all of this and still love and take care of Liam.

I want my condition to disappear and never come back.

i havent written much lately. But i am in a strange place in my life. I am not sure what direction i am headed. I have sort of lost a spin on things. My car is broken and my world is a mess. I didnt start school on Monday cause i couldnt get there. Hopefully i can get my head on straight and start my life in the right direction. Less drinking, which i havent been doing a lot of and more working and playing. I need to graduate and take a vacation. Then get a job.

Things don't always work out. But we are always going somewhere and everywhere. I am really happy with my world right now. Things aren't perfect but they are close. I am having a great time. And i am ridiculously excited about the things waiting around the corner for me. Because i know they are going to be amazing! It's weird because i feel like my whole world is about to change. I am about to experience more than i ever have before and that is a wonderful feeling. I have no place to look but up. :)

Into the Wild

Amazing Movie, Great company.

p.s... go see it.

El Futuro, El Pasado.

I find that looking back on my life trying figure out what it is that i have learned over the course of my life is strange. It is always hard to believe that one has come so far. Even if I only go back ten years. Amazing. I havent really had an major expectations or asperations for myself so i cannot say that i am disappointed at where i am at. I dont know what is in store but for once i am really excited about it. It changes everyday!

quite obviously, right now i am avoiding the inevitable...studying for my physics test. I have already had one test this morning and in t-minus 3hrs and counting i have another test in Physics. So i really suppose that i should stop typing and go study. And i am sad because i really want to go to gingerman tonight but my friends are mostly busy. So it appears i might have to celebrate alone. :(

What is it about being drunk and having a "fabulous" time that makes people..ie myself make the worst decisions? That is all.

Movies!

Tonight i saw the most awesome, amazing movie. It gave me goosebumps! So lovely and strangely uplifting. Anyways it was called "Once" and if you have not had the pleasure of seeing it DO!

who wants to be a simpson? Oooh oohh i do

I will have what i want

I want a love that is never boring and predictable but is simple. I want love that is amazing and not just easy, the kind of love you never forget no matter how hard you try. I want something that is unbelievably right. I want love that is easy and difficult at the same time. I want time, god how i want time for us, and for me, and for him. I want someone who can easily tell me he needs time without hurting me. I want to love what i do everyday of my life. I want to enjoy every second, every moment i have here. I want to never be angry. I want to see the world. i want time at home, where it is at the time. I want to hurt until I cant take it anymore and then realize my happiness. I want to walk in the rain. I want to feel the sunshine on my face. I want music. I want to inspire people. I want someone to inspire me. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who loves me so much it hurts and isnt afraid to show me. I want to love someone so much it hurts and not be afraid to show it. I want long hikes. I want camping under the stars. I want endless sunsets. I want to treat someone so incrediably that they cant stand it. I want time with my friends. I want picnics. I want weekends at the beach. I want solitary car rides. I want someone to tell stories to, someone who listens. I want to listen. I want beautiful flowers. I want to fly. I want sleep. I want dreams. I want a neverending love that REALLY never ends. I want second chances. I want to deserve second chances. I want to sip wine. I want to write. I want to always remember. I want to dream. I want to live my dreams. I want a not so perfect love, that wants my not so perfect love.

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you for how you are, not how you look. But deep down, you know that's not exactly true. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

finally

i finally slept last night for once in a few days. I had the most vivid dreams and i woke up this morning sad. I dont want to be sad. I have to go for a run.

yesterday was insane...school was the biggest hassel. I was enrolled in the wrong class, i had to talk to the dean, then the assistant dean, then the dean again. But i got the issue resolved. And while most of this was going on and pretty much most of the day, i talked to my lovely friend Kimmie. Which helped me quite tremendously in my current circumstances.

I am sooo tired. Tired of dealing with emotional things in my life. And just plain tired. I just want to feel numb right now. Just for a little while.

If love really was like it is in the movies...then i wouldn't be in the place that i am now. And the truth is...I know exactly where it is that i would be.

You are The Sun

Happiness, Content, Joy.

The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consistent.

Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way.

The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Stranger than Fiction...

a really great movie i saw last night. I really enjoyed the screenplay alot. And of course it left me feeling really great when i leaving the theater. Upliftting.

argh...a three mile run and i am exhausted but so is my dog. Life is good.

i am in a good place right now. I bit confused...caught in a whirlwind...floating...falling...but i've lost the fear of the end.
I'm not looking for miracles, i'm just happy with now. A wonderful place to be, a vast and endless ocean with no storms in sight.

ACL, ACL, woohoo! yAY! just a few more days! yes!

The small things...

There are a million little things in this big ol world that make me happy...The last few moments spent waiting to get on the plane to go on a long trip. Music. A great poem discovered, writing one myself(well maybe not great but good to say the least). Orange juice. Bananas. Strawberries. Football! Finishing the last page of a book you've loved...bittersweet. Developing the photos from a trip. A great cup of coffee. A really fun day a work. A long hike. The view from the top of a mountain. Saving all the money you needed to go on your big trip. Bagels with cream cheese. Lying in the sun thinking of all the wonderful things and people you have in your life. Knowing you are not alone, even when you are. Incense. A song that steals your breath and touches your soul. A kiss that does the same. Plants. trees. daisies. Dogs. cats. song birds. Animals. Truly good hearted people. Friends. LOVE. Falling in love. Knowing you have loved. Friends who love you. Knowing there is a reason for everything. The morning sky and the smell of dew. The evening sky and the smell of the ocean. The way my feet feel in the sand. The wind on my face. A really great joke. A terrific glass of wine. A strong, cold beer. A day spent with all your friends. A day spent with your best friend. A day spent with no one but yourself. Hammocks. Waves. Exercise. Picnics. Dancing. The Sun. A rainy day watching movies with someone you love. Snuggling. A great movie. Chocolate. Something that really makes you think.
Watching the sunrise. A long drive. Sunsets over the water. Seeing new places. Really feeling. Crying. Smiling. Laughing. Popcorn. A bottle of Coke. A long walk to clear my head. Margaritas. Making someone laugh. Just being here.

I mean seriously. Are there any real ones out there? Nevermind.

911 Cover Up

Loose Change 2nd Edition - Korey Rowe / Dylan Avery / Jason Bermas

America's birthday...

Well, I felt compelled to sit down and let you all know what disaster awaited me and my roomate on the 4th.
The day started out perfectly normal. I worked in the morning and had plans to head to New Braunfels for the afternoon.
After work I headed home to meet my roomate and we loaded up in my car. Off we went, first stopping for gas and a few groceries to tide us over for the evening. Then on down the road. ( Let me also say that I was either getting sick or having the worst allergy attack of my life. So my roomie was driving and I was feeling overwhelmingly exhausted) About the time that we reached exit 201, yes exit 201 which I am now very familiar with, we heard some noise. Of course we both assumed that it was simply a blowout and figured we would just need to change the tire, no problem right? After we were stopped we of course realized the tires were fine, so what could it be? "Pop the hood" I say. In about 30 seconds I realize we have blown a belt...damn. Stranded we are, yes.
Phone calls are then made and soon my dad is on his way to save the day. Mind you, by the time that my dad arrives the roomie and I have been there for almost 2 hours.
We attempt to change the belt but no sooner than we had begun it starts to pour. And I mean pour... thunder, lightning, not the perfect car repair weather. The daylight is also fading.
Now the last thing that i really want to do is leave my car parked where it is currently. So knowing, full well, that my dad cannot fix it in this rain I have to figure out what to do. I finally realize that I have roadside assistance on my car. So I begin the process of trying to get a tow. Finally, a tow trick is on its way. So I tell my dad he can head home.
Well, My roomie and I hang out waiting for this truck. And about 2 hours later it arrives. Exhausted we pile into the truck. Now remember that it was around 4:30pm when we pulled our car onto exit 201. And at exactly 11:15pm we arrived at my dad's house. Over six hours later.
And as I crawled into bed I realized "Shoot, i missed the fireworks." :)

IT STARTS TONIGHT!

This coming week is looking great. Tonight the mavs begin the finals. On sunday I get to go to the beach for 4 days to visit my family. Not to shabby.

I KNEW THEY COULD DO IT!

One More Game!

You can DO IT.

"I am at a standstill and balanced"

I shant ask for more.

I had an absolutly great time at Snow Patrol this evening! Got to see a good friend. The Mav's won game 2. And Kimmie is on her way. Today was a really great day.

Dallas Mavericks!

What I have become...

I am in a weird mood. But Kimmie and Enrique are supposed to be coming to see me next weekend and I am going to see Snow Patrol! And the mavs need one more win this evening to move on. So many things to look forward to.

Go Mavs!

The game tonight, as well as the last one, has kept me on the edge of my seat till the very end. OT and the mavs need one more win. I am so excited. Sorry if you are a spurs fan like my poor roomate.

"I know the last page so well, I cant read the first"

I just really want to be alone. I just dont want to deal with anymore heartache, anymore pain, anymore men taking me for granted. I suppose that for the most part it is me...i am not ready to find someone new yet. And that is ok. But sometimes I still feel like i am not worth it. Today I broke down into tears, with thoughts wizzing through my head about my self-worth. It is hard to find someone new when your past has got you trapped into believing your not fantastic. In retrospect I dont suppose that any of this matters because deep deep down I know the truth. I am fantastic. I suppose that i am just having a rough day. I really truly just want to get my debt paid off so that i can go to Costa Rica and take that class, get a job teaching, and travel alot. More Europe, Africa, Austrailia, India, and then at some point back here. I dont really want to do all this traveling alone but I dont mind if that is my only option. Which right now, It is. My only problem right now, the only thing holding me back is my dog (but I will work that out). Wish me luck everyone...this is my dream...may i see it through.

it was aaaawesome

I saw Mogwai tonight AND the show was freakin awesome! Awesome! Did I mention that it was awesome!

sunshine makes me ti-red

I had a wonderful day...I love the greenbelt...Ended up meeting Heather and Jason down there and spent a few hours swimming. I completely wore out my dog....Lots of swimming and fun with rope swings. My heart is happier today than usual. *sigh*

It cant hurt.

I hardly have a thing to say at all. I have had the pleasure of being sick for the last week...I have spent most of the time napping. It probably didnt help me get better when i decided to hang out on the guadalupe for ben's birthday or spend the next day floating the comal. I have been taking it easy for the most part and i am getting a bit better. Tonight my roomate wants me to go dancing and since it has been quite some time since i have done that I am thinking about it. We shall see.

Something my friend Enrique said to me recently...

"Nice guys are a dime dozen, Good men are the ones that are hard to find."

My glass is half full.

Lunch on sunday with Heather and Deanna was great, then I spent some wine time at Heather's. Got New Pics of South America, which will make a great scrapbook!
Then Sunday night we had our first midnight float of the season. 14 people down the comal. It was a ton of fun and thank goodness i wasnt nearly as gone as I was last time. I made it up the stairs quite easily. Drinking less is always much better. After getting home around 5am (yikes). I still managed to get 4 hrs sleep and work this morning, no hangover(cause I only had four beers)

Plus today turned out to be a fantastic day. I headed down to Barton springs with my pup and played with him for a few hours. Then I enjoyed dinner at Bouldin(yummy), and then I went all out and got Amy's Icecream. I am in love with Almond Joy(Mex. Vanilla, coconut, Almonds, and Hot fudge(mmmmm) I must say I spent a lovely day by myself for the most part, reading Harry Potter. Tonight is for Watching movies. I am excited about that too. SO far this is starting out to be a really good week. Plus i get another mini vacation in Cedra jail, but it pays well.

Satisfy my Soul...

I have been thinking alot about where I went wrong or simply where things turned and went. It is strange when someone who used to let you know everything, shuts down and hides all their feelings inside. You believe that you know how they really feel but it is just that, A belief. And now the question is, does it matter anymore? Well, the answer is of course. But the problem is that you have run smack dab into a huge wall and the door to the other side can only be opened with some help. But you are the only one pulling.
And at some point you are exhausted and cant pull alone anymore. So then the question becomes should you give up? And you dont know how to give up but you dont know how to keep going.
In the past I have been pouring my heart into getting this door open. Pulling, waiting, trying to be there in any way that I was allowed. Trying to prove myself. But still the door is closed.
In the end I dont know how to prove myself except for just being me, being loving, being a friend, being honest, and communicating how I feel. If this isnt enough then I have to walk around the wall on my own. Which I never wanted to do. But how long is too long? Inside I know that I have so much love to give but I need to be giving it to someone who wants it from me...someone who appreciates me, who doesnt take me for granted. Someone who loves me back without fear. Someone who, well, just loves me. Through all my faults, through every bad day and every good one, through every bump in the road, through every boulder. Someone who believes that no matter how hard it may be at times, they feel that I am worth it. Someone who includes me in there plans or at least wants to include me. And realizes it. I know it is possible for someone to feel this way about me because I have felt the same for someone. And deep down I still havent given up hope but when someone tells me to go, what else can I do? No matter what your heart wants, you have to be listening to hear.

Bob Dylan and Merle Haggard

Wow. I had a really great day yesterday. And the show last night was amazing.

What no one wants to really know bout me.

My favorite being on this earth right now is my dog, liam, followed by just a few close seconds. I am absolutely compulsive about cleaning for the most part. If I get to spend one hour swimming and playing in the sun I am soooo happy. I attempt to see the beauty in every single thing I see and every person I meet, even the angry ones. Music is something that my life would be empty without. I am incrediably alive when I am traveling. The beach is one of the most serene places in the world to me. I adore all the people who remain a constent in my life, and i am glad that i call all of you friends. There are so many tiny things in life that bring me peace and make me glad to be alive. To be in love, I hope that i never lose that feeling, no matter what that may mean, no matter where my life takes me. I have never been more lost OR more happy in my life. I know every thing in my heart and in my head and i am glad that for once I understand myself. I get goosebumps, quite often, when something or someone touches my soul. I really want people to understand me. I love taking naps, snuggling, falling asleep in the sun, reading, learning, swimming. I get joy out of making others smile. I am trying to improve myself everyday and be a better person. Really happy moments make me cry. Beautiful people with amazing souls make me smile. xoxoxo.

Is it possible?

Not to care so much, I truly wish I didnt.........I had a really fantastic time last night. I saw Deb Talan for the first time and had her sign my cds. Their show was amazing and so was Matt the Electrician, their opener. I shall have to go see him again. I had a really great time, spent a lot of money yesterday but enjoyed spending every penny.

today was great!

I didnt have to work my shift this morning so I ate tons of fruit and did nothing. Until I went to Barton Springs and had a couple hours in the sun before I headed off to work, still smelling like sunscreen. ahhhh. And i didnt do to shabby as far as money goes this evening. Plus I found out that I might get to see a show tomorrow night if I dont get called in for on-call(crosses-fingers) Heres hoping. Night.

Yesterday was a really really great day for me. The girls and I spent the day out at the lake. And then had a few beers in the evening. I love getting to spend time with them. We talk about everything and somehow at the end of the day you feel better about life. Even though it is hard, it is really great to have people who will enjoy the day with you and listen and ultimately understand where you are coming from. *sigh* Good times. Plus today has not been to shabby either.

every once in awhile, I feel utterly lost in a life that i am not sure is mine. I feel like I have a lump caught in my throat that no matter what I do, I cant swallow it. Why? I have plenty of people who love me and I have seen and done more in the short time I have been here than most people. So what is missing that is making me feel this way. Every time that i try to figure it out I feel like running away. Disappearing to where no one can find me. Just taking a step back from it all. And the problem is I dont know what i want from life, or actually I know what i want I just dont know how to obtain it. I know what would make me happy forever! In almost every way in life. At least I'd like to think that i do. But in the end I am at a loss as to how to obtain anything. I suppose that i am not the only one who feels this way but it is hard not to feel alone at times like these. I keep thinking that if i just go to sleep, i will wake up tomorrow and have it all worked out. But that never happens. I have been a mess for the last year and I am tired. I have no motivation to get organized. I need to find my motivation.

Someone talk to me.

Sometimes it is a bit hard to be in here(Cedra). Alone. Reading. Watching movies I have seen a thousand times. And I dont even really have my phone cause it is dying and I dont have a charger(thanks Liam). But at least this money will get me ahead of the game again. With a bit of money saved and not worrying about bills so much. Plus, I have Friday, on which I am heading to see Kimmie, to look forward to. Margaritas in Mexico, beach time(as long as it's sunny, hell even if it's not, i love the beach). And my friend I hardly get to see. I hate making the drive alone and at the same time I love it. Ok I better go. I am rambling and who reads this anyway?

Its storming outside. I love that sound.

I am trying not to hard to ponder things that are impossible.
But on a great note. I love Austin and music. Today I got into a private event held by the BBC and heard so much awesome music for about four hours. The final band was Snow Patrol!
Everyone around me was British or in a band. What a fantastic day. I want to buy a wristband next year and take the week off of work. mwah.

What am i doing? Accckkk, i dont know. When did I lose track of myself? When? I need to put my head back on.
And get out this weird mode that i am in.
This week at work is going to be a bit insane. Double after double for me. Till saturday. Save Save Save, that is what i need to start doing. I'll start by spending more time at home.

The most important thing we can do in life is to feel. As much as you possibly can. Let down walls and feel. Weither or not the feeling are happiness, anger, sorrow, they are still feelings. And we have them. What if this is it? Our only chance, One chance to experence and feel as much in life as you can. Should we fear what may come later, if we feared loss, would we ever find love. And if we feared life would we really live. I believe that fear alone could ruin a man and keep them from really living. And i want to experience everything. Without sorrow, we would never know joy.