I have made a decision

When i get into this study that i have signed up for on next tuesday. And i am sure that i am officially a subject and not a backup. I will be purchasing my ticket to costa rica for late January. That way i will have to get my ass on saving for the trip and have no way of postponing it back month after month. This i believe is a good plan.

could you be loved?

So the results are in...and the word precancerous has reared its ugly little head. While i am reassured that it is mearly PRE...i cannot shake the C-word following it up so closely. i have to say that i am more than a little bit freaked out but i also feel that i am coping rather well. Although part of that coping comes from avoiding thinking about it.

Officially awful days

Doctor's. Ugh. yuck. All i will say is that i do not like the girl doctor.

I wish, I wish, I wish...

For sooo many things right now. For the money to go to Costa Rica, to not have to deal with any problems that start with the C word, Even wishes as simple as getting to spend this evening with a great guy. Maybe even for the desire to write some more poetry, it has been a long time since i've written anything at all.

Why of why wont they let me fly?

So as i and the rest of the country are already aware...the economy is not so good. With our severe dependence on foreign oil we are slipping in so many industries. I am sure that in a year or so our economy will begin to turn around and face the right direction again...well maybe not "SURE" but definatly optomistic about it doing so. The only way in which it is affecting me in my current situation is that things are more expensive and i havent been able to get a job with SWA let alone an interview. But im holding out, knowing that i a year or so they will lift the hiring freeze and i will be on my way "free to move about the county"
As for everything else in my world...it is great. I have a neato new apt that will be costing me less money. I am taking care of a few health issues. And i am dating someone new :)

acl bound

So usually i am super excited about the arrival of ACL and for some reason i am sort of "cool" about this year. I should or would have already been there at this time every year previously. but there really isnt anyone i want to see until about three. Oh and i brilliantly forgot my ticket so i have to return home to retrieve it soon. But first...lunch, coffee, and a few words. I am sure that when i arrive at Zilker the feeling will change and i will be super excited but until then i will continue to be hungover from too much fun last night.
Also...i feel that i overanalyze every aspect of my life. I am continually too hard on myself. I have to say that i am ridiculously happy right now but that i worry too much. I am working on putting those thoughts aside every time they appear but I have been a worrier for so long that i find it a bit difficult of a habit to break. But I quit smoking, which was a hard habit to break, so i am sure that i can accomplish this one as well. Hooray Life!!! Life is pretty freaking awesome.

Ideas that work

So far it seems there is only one puzzle piece missing in my life. Come on puzzle piece! How can the fantastic life of fiery red be the most fantastic successfull life ever if you are not in the puzzle? I know that it will happen. I has already begun to unfold so i just need to wait for the rest of it to fall into place. All the pieces are their they just need to be connected.

How Much

How much coffee can i drink in one sitting. Answer...too much and still counting.
I had a really long day at work and tomorrow is the dreaded double. I am in avoidance of packing the apartment for the big move in 10 days. I am nervous and ridiculously excited about the whole thing.
Cha Cha changes. Moving, The big ACL weekend. Starting a new job. Going back to school. Life, love. Hmmm.
as always leaving things as vague as possible.

Also

I found a great site that allows me to go through all the airlines web pages and check to see who is hiring. :)

the future

Sooo... I have bought my Spanish Immersion course and i have also figured out how much more i need to save in the next few months to head to costa rica for a month. The plan at current is to leave November 19 and return on December 24. I have not yet bought my ticket but i really should. I plan to as soon as I move into my new apartment here in a couple weeks. I need to do a least one more study before i leave in November and that should take care of it.
WooHoo!!! I have to say that i am super excited.
I also am really anticipating getting some sort of information from southwest airlines. I letter. Just something. Come on people at southwest give a girl a chance.

ACL

So i have just recently realized that i am going to be moving the day after ACL weekend...which is a huge bummer. I need time to recoupe from the festivities but alas it appears that will not be the case this year. Ah ACL how i love the. Moving how i loathe thee. New apartment how i anticitpate thee. South Austin how i have missed thee. Too bad i cant move before that weekend. I will somehow try to fenagle a way to do that but if i cannot hopefully my moving buddies will not be suffering the same fate. Thank you to all my moving folks in advance for the help. I shall pack well so that the move is as painless as possible.

who knew...

That i had wireless poolside at my apt complex. So yeah...i should have assumed and checked but i didnt think about it until today. But at least i realized it. Right. :D I am super happy and i cant tell you why. I just am. I see really amazing places and moments ahead in my future and in everyday. I am just smiling and dont know why. It is an awesome feeling i have to say. Sure i feel there are a few things i wnat in life...like everytime a plane flies overhead...or everytime i think of well ...but those are easily changed and just something i need to wait for and i dont mind waitin awhile for some of the most important things in life...they are worth waiting for.

Hot!! NO it really is.

my dog is hot, i am hot(in the conventional sense, i am not being concieted :D)
*chews on ice* I love ice but others say it will ruin my teeth. I guess by that theory i love ruining my teeth *chews on ice*
I wish i could write one of those fantastically funny blogs that everyone has to go read because it makes them laugh on a daily basis, your DAILY DOSE of Fiery Red if you will.
So i have started a journal and Im back up blogging for the world to read *waves* "Hellllooo World" Fiery red likes the world no matter what anyone says about it being mean and evil. I think the only mean and evil come from people who dont like the world.

I want to go to the beach and lay in the sand for awhile, *stares blankly*
I suppose i am the only one stopping me in the dream and the pursuit of sand in my bodily crevasses. But i need that sand darnit. And maybe a cold delicious pina colado to go along with it or something with fresh strawberries and bananas. Wait a freakin minute! Why am i sitting here writing all this instead i should be surfing the web for an awesome sand filled crevasse getaway! Ciao! :D

One Day

So i suppose one day the title of my blog will begin to make sense to even me. At this point i am not writing about every town along the way. I have not been anywhere on a trip in a very long time but soon. I plan on heading back to costa rica for about a month since the last time i was there was not the most awesome time it could have been. But with the idea of moving forward i will go back again and do it right. Enjoy the beach And most of AlL ENJOY MYSELF. Something i have been working very hard on doing lately. ENJOYING MYSELF. I am still waiting for Southwest to call me and i am wondering if i should apply with some other airlines or wait it out since i reeeallly want to work for Southwest specifically.

It is hot here in Texas

The fixing life series

In the next month i need to get my laptop fixed or acquire a new one as cost effectively as possible.
I need to save $500.
Get a pair of kickass boots, cause i want them.
Find another job that is not my lovely mexican restaurant (at least make a valiant attempt at finding one)
Take a camping trip with the dog.
Figure out where i will be going on my next trip, be it two weeks or two months.
And be as happy as I possibly can be.
And Focus on my life and what i want.

the searching for love series

So i have recently decided that it is in my best interest to write down what it is that i want out of life. So that my universe can get to work on bringing it to me. So here goes.

I want to be a flight attendant for Southwest Airlines. I have become discouraged here lately but truth is...this is the airline i want to work for...no other, so why would i go somewhere else to find a job. I will be a flight attendant for Southwest Airlines.


I want to be successful in life, love, friendships, being myself, being kind.

I want to travel the world and see new places and make new friends. I want to do this alone, with my friends, maybe someone special.

I want to be able to do all of this and still love and take care of Liam.

I want my condition to disappear and never come back.

i havent written much lately. But i am in a strange place in my life. I am not sure what direction i am headed. I have sort of lost a spin on things. My car is broken and my world is a mess. I didnt start school on Monday cause i couldnt get there. Hopefully i can get my head on straight and start my life in the right direction. Less drinking, which i havent been doing a lot of and more working and playing. I need to graduate and take a vacation. Then get a job.

Things don't always work out. But we are always going somewhere and everywhere. I am really happy with my world right now. Things aren't perfect but they are close. I am having a great time. And i am ridiculously excited about the things waiting around the corner for me. Because i know they are going to be amazing! It's weird because i feel like my whole world is about to change. I am about to experience more than i ever have before and that is a wonderful feeling. I have no place to look but up. :)

Into the Wild

Amazing Movie, Great company.

p.s... go see it.

El Futuro, El Pasado.

I find that looking back on my life trying figure out what it is that i have learned over the course of my life is strange. It is always hard to believe that one has come so far. Even if I only go back ten years. Amazing. I havent really had an major expectations or asperations for myself so i cannot say that i am disappointed at where i am at. I dont know what is in store but for once i am really excited about it. It changes everyday!

quite obviously, right now i am avoiding the inevitable...studying for my physics test. I have already had one test this morning and in t-minus 3hrs and counting i have another test in Physics. So i really suppose that i should stop typing and go study. And i am sad because i really want to go to gingerman tonight but my friends are mostly busy. So it appears i might have to celebrate alone. :(

What is it about being drunk and having a "fabulous" time that makes people..ie myself make the worst decisions? That is all.

Movies!

Tonight i saw the most awesome, amazing movie. It gave me goosebumps! So lovely and strangely uplifting. Anyways it was called "Once" and if you have not had the pleasure of seeing it DO!

who wants to be a simpson? Oooh oohh i do

I will have what i want

I want a love that is never boring and predictable but is simple. I want love that is amazing and not just easy, the kind of love you never forget no matter how hard you try. I want something that is unbelievably right. I want love that is easy and difficult at the same time. I want time, god how i want time for us, and for me, and for him. I want someone who can easily tell me he needs time without hurting me. I want to love what i do everyday of my life. I want to enjoy every second, every moment i have here. I want to never be angry. I want to see the world. i want time at home, where it is at the time. I want to hurt until I cant take it anymore and then realize my happiness. I want to walk in the rain. I want to feel the sunshine on my face. I want music. I want to inspire people. I want someone to inspire me. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who loves me so much it hurts and isnt afraid to show me. I want to love someone so much it hurts and not be afraid to show it. I want long hikes. I want camping under the stars. I want endless sunsets. I want to treat someone so incrediably that they cant stand it. I want time with my friends. I want picnics. I want weekends at the beach. I want solitary car rides. I want someone to tell stories to, someone who listens. I want to listen. I want beautiful flowers. I want to fly. I want sleep. I want dreams. I want a neverending love that REALLY never ends. I want second chances. I want to deserve second chances. I want to sip wine. I want to write. I want to always remember. I want to dream. I want to live my dreams. I want a not so perfect love, that wants my not so perfect love.

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you for how you are, not how you look. But deep down, you know that's not exactly true. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

finally

i finally slept last night for once in a few days. I had the most vivid dreams and i woke up this morning sad. I dont want to be sad. I have to go for a run.

yesterday was insane...school was the biggest hassel. I was enrolled in the wrong class, i had to talk to the dean, then the assistant dean, then the dean again. But i got the issue resolved. And while most of this was going on and pretty much most of the day, i talked to my lovely friend Kimmie. Which helped me quite tremendously in my current circumstances.

I am sooo tired. Tired of dealing with emotional things in my life. And just plain tired. I just want to feel numb right now. Just for a little while.

If love really was like it is in the movies...then i wouldn't be in the place that i am now. And the truth is...I know exactly where it is that i would be.

You are The Sun

Happiness, Content, Joy.

The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consistent.

Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way.

The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Stranger than Fiction...

a really great movie i saw last night. I really enjoyed the screenplay alot. And of course it left me feeling really great when i leaving the theater. Upliftting.

argh...a three mile run and i am exhausted but so is my dog. Life is good.

i am in a good place right now. I bit confused...caught in a whirlwind...floating...falling...but i've lost the fear of the end.
I'm not looking for miracles, i'm just happy with now. A wonderful place to be, a vast and endless ocean with no storms in sight.

ACL, ACL, woohoo! yAY! just a few more days! yes!

The small things...

There are a million little things in this big ol world that make me happy...The last few moments spent waiting to get on the plane to go on a long trip. Music. A great poem discovered, writing one myself(well maybe not great but good to say the least). Orange juice. Bananas. Strawberries. Football! Finishing the last page of a book you've loved...bittersweet. Developing the photos from a trip. A great cup of coffee. A really fun day a work. A long hike. The view from the top of a mountain. Saving all the money you needed to go on your big trip. Bagels with cream cheese. Lying in the sun thinking of all the wonderful things and people you have in your life. Knowing you are not alone, even when you are. Incense. A song that steals your breath and touches your soul. A kiss that does the same. Plants. trees. daisies. Dogs. cats. song birds. Animals. Truly good hearted people. Friends. LOVE. Falling in love. Knowing you have loved. Friends who love you. Knowing there is a reason for everything. The morning sky and the smell of dew. The evening sky and the smell of the ocean. The way my feet feel in the sand. The wind on my face. A really great joke. A terrific glass of wine. A strong, cold beer. A day spent with all your friends. A day spent with your best friend. A day spent with no one but yourself. Hammocks. Waves. Exercise. Picnics. Dancing. The Sun. A rainy day watching movies with someone you love. Snuggling. A great movie. Chocolate. Something that really makes you think.
Watching the sunrise. A long drive. Sunsets over the water. Seeing new places. Really feeling. Crying. Smiling. Laughing. Popcorn. A bottle of Coke. A long walk to clear my head. Margaritas. Making someone laugh. Just being here.

I mean seriously. Are there any real ones out there? Nevermind.

911 Cover Up

Loose Change 2nd Edition - Korey Rowe / Dylan Avery / Jason Bermas

America's birthday...

Well, I felt compelled to sit down and let you all know what disaster awaited me and my roomate on the 4th.
The day started out perfectly normal. I worked in the morning and had plans to head to New Braunfels for the afternoon.
After work I headed home to meet my roomate and we loaded up in my car. Off we went, first stopping for gas and a few groceries to tide us over for the evening. Then on down the road. ( Let me also say that I was either getting sick or having the worst allergy attack of my life. So my roomie was driving and I was feeling overwhelmingly exhausted) About the time that we reached exit 201, yes exit 201 which I am now very familiar with, we heard some noise. Of course we both assumed that it was simply a blowout and figured we would just need to change the tire, no problem right? After we were stopped we of course realized the tires were fine, so what could it be? "Pop the hood" I say. In about 30 seconds I realize we have blown a belt...damn. Stranded we are, yes.
Phone calls are then made and soon my dad is on his way to save the day. Mind you, by the time that my dad arrives the roomie and I have been there for almost 2 hours.
We attempt to change the belt but no sooner than we had begun it starts to pour. And I mean pour... thunder, lightning, not the perfect car repair weather. The daylight is also fading.
Now the last thing that i really want to do is leave my car parked where it is currently. So knowing, full well, that my dad cannot fix it in this rain I have to figure out what to do. I finally realize that I have roadside assistance on my car. So I begin the process of trying to get a tow. Finally, a tow trick is on its way. So I tell my dad he can head home.
Well, My roomie and I hang out waiting for this truck. And about 2 hours later it arrives. Exhausted we pile into the truck. Now remember that it was around 4:30pm when we pulled our car onto exit 201. And at exactly 11:15pm we arrived at my dad's house. Over six hours later.
And as I crawled into bed I realized "Shoot, i missed the fireworks." :)

IT STARTS TONIGHT!

This coming week is looking great. Tonight the mavs begin the finals. On sunday I get to go to the beach for 4 days to visit my family. Not to shabby.

I KNEW THEY COULD DO IT!

One More Game!

You can DO IT.

"I am at a standstill and balanced"

I shant ask for more.

I had an absolutly great time at Snow Patrol this evening! Got to see a good friend. The Mav's won game 2. And Kimmie is on her way. Today was a really great day.

Dallas Mavericks!

What I have become...

I am in a weird mood. But Kimmie and Enrique are supposed to be coming to see me next weekend and I am going to see Snow Patrol! And the mavs need one more win this evening to move on. So many things to look forward to.

Go Mavs!

The game tonight, as well as the last one, has kept me on the edge of my seat till the very end. OT and the mavs need one more win. I am so excited. Sorry if you are a spurs fan like my poor roomate.

"I know the last page so well, I cant read the first"

I just really want to be alone. I just dont want to deal with anymore heartache, anymore pain, anymore men taking me for granted. I suppose that for the most part it is me...i am not ready to find someone new yet. And that is ok. But sometimes I still feel like i am not worth it. Today I broke down into tears, with thoughts wizzing through my head about my self-worth. It is hard to find someone new when your past has got you trapped into believing your not fantastic. In retrospect I dont suppose that any of this matters because deep deep down I know the truth. I am fantastic. I suppose that i am just having a rough day. I really truly just want to get my debt paid off so that i can go to Costa Rica and take that class, get a job teaching, and travel alot. More Europe, Africa, Austrailia, India, and then at some point back here. I dont really want to do all this traveling alone but I dont mind if that is my only option. Which right now, It is. My only problem right now, the only thing holding me back is my dog (but I will work that out). Wish me luck everyone...this is my dream...may i see it through.

it was aaaawesome

I saw Mogwai tonight AND the show was freakin awesome! Awesome! Did I mention that it was awesome!

sunshine makes me ti-red

I had a wonderful day...I love the greenbelt...Ended up meeting Heather and Jason down there and spent a few hours swimming. I completely wore out my dog....Lots of swimming and fun with rope swings. My heart is happier today than usual. *sigh*

It cant hurt.

I hardly have a thing to say at all. I have had the pleasure of being sick for the last week...I have spent most of the time napping. It probably didnt help me get better when i decided to hang out on the guadalupe for ben's birthday or spend the next day floating the comal. I have been taking it easy for the most part and i am getting a bit better. Tonight my roomate wants me to go dancing and since it has been quite some time since i have done that I am thinking about it. We shall see.

Something my friend Enrique said to me recently...

"Nice guys are a dime dozen, Good men are the ones that are hard to find."

My glass is half full.

Lunch on sunday with Heather and Deanna was great, then I spent some wine time at Heather's. Got New Pics of South America, which will make a great scrapbook!
Then Sunday night we had our first midnight float of the season. 14 people down the comal. It was a ton of fun and thank goodness i wasnt nearly as gone as I was last time. I made it up the stairs quite easily. Drinking less is always much better. After getting home around 5am (yikes). I still managed to get 4 hrs sleep and work this morning, no hangover(cause I only had four beers)

Plus today turned out to be a fantastic day. I headed down to Barton springs with my pup and played with him for a few hours. Then I enjoyed dinner at Bouldin(yummy), and then I went all out and got Amy's Icecream. I am in love with Almond Joy(Mex. Vanilla, coconut, Almonds, and Hot fudge(mmmmm) I must say I spent a lovely day by myself for the most part, reading Harry Potter. Tonight is for Watching movies. I am excited about that too. SO far this is starting out to be a really good week. Plus i get another mini vacation in Cedra jail, but it pays well.

Satisfy my Soul...

I have been thinking alot about where I went wrong or simply where things turned and went. It is strange when someone who used to let you know everything, shuts down and hides all their feelings inside. You believe that you know how they really feel but it is just that, A belief. And now the question is, does it matter anymore? Well, the answer is of course. But the problem is that you have run smack dab into a huge wall and the door to the other side can only be opened with some help. But you are the only one pulling.
And at some point you are exhausted and cant pull alone anymore. So then the question becomes should you give up? And you dont know how to give up but you dont know how to keep going.
In the past I have been pouring my heart into getting this door open. Pulling, waiting, trying to be there in any way that I was allowed. Trying to prove myself. But still the door is closed.
In the end I dont know how to prove myself except for just being me, being loving, being a friend, being honest, and communicating how I feel. If this isnt enough then I have to walk around the wall on my own. Which I never wanted to do. But how long is too long? Inside I know that I have so much love to give but I need to be giving it to someone who wants it from me...someone who appreciates me, who doesnt take me for granted. Someone who loves me back without fear. Someone who, well, just loves me. Through all my faults, through every bad day and every good one, through every bump in the road, through every boulder. Someone who believes that no matter how hard it may be at times, they feel that I am worth it. Someone who includes me in there plans or at least wants to include me. And realizes it. I know it is possible for someone to feel this way about me because I have felt the same for someone. And deep down I still havent given up hope but when someone tells me to go, what else can I do? No matter what your heart wants, you have to be listening to hear.

Bob Dylan and Merle Haggard

Wow. I had a really great day yesterday. And the show last night was amazing.

What no one wants to really know bout me.

My favorite being on this earth right now is my dog, liam, followed by just a few close seconds. I am absolutely compulsive about cleaning for the most part. If I get to spend one hour swimming and playing in the sun I am soooo happy. I attempt to see the beauty in every single thing I see and every person I meet, even the angry ones. Music is something that my life would be empty without. I am incrediably alive when I am traveling. The beach is one of the most serene places in the world to me. I adore all the people who remain a constent in my life, and i am glad that i call all of you friends. There are so many tiny things in life that bring me peace and make me glad to be alive. To be in love, I hope that i never lose that feeling, no matter what that may mean, no matter where my life takes me. I have never been more lost OR more happy in my life. I know every thing in my heart and in my head and i am glad that for once I understand myself. I get goosebumps, quite often, when something or someone touches my soul. I really want people to understand me. I love taking naps, snuggling, falling asleep in the sun, reading, learning, swimming. I get joy out of making others smile. I am trying to improve myself everyday and be a better person. Really happy moments make me cry. Beautiful people with amazing souls make me smile. xoxoxo.

Is it possible?

Not to care so much, I truly wish I didnt.........I had a really fantastic time last night. I saw Deb Talan for the first time and had her sign my cds. Their show was amazing and so was Matt the Electrician, their opener. I shall have to go see him again. I had a really great time, spent a lot of money yesterday but enjoyed spending every penny.

today was great!

I didnt have to work my shift this morning so I ate tons of fruit and did nothing. Until I went to Barton Springs and had a couple hours in the sun before I headed off to work, still smelling like sunscreen. ahhhh. And i didnt do to shabby as far as money goes this evening. Plus I found out that I might get to see a show tomorrow night if I dont get called in for on-call(crosses-fingers) Heres hoping. Night.

Yesterday was a really really great day for me. The girls and I spent the day out at the lake. And then had a few beers in the evening. I love getting to spend time with them. We talk about everything and somehow at the end of the day you feel better about life. Even though it is hard, it is really great to have people who will enjoy the day with you and listen and ultimately understand where you are coming from. *sigh* Good times. Plus today has not been to shabby either.

every once in awhile, I feel utterly lost in a life that i am not sure is mine. I feel like I have a lump caught in my throat that no matter what I do, I cant swallow it. Why? I have plenty of people who love me and I have seen and done more in the short time I have been here than most people. So what is missing that is making me feel this way. Every time that i try to figure it out I feel like running away. Disappearing to where no one can find me. Just taking a step back from it all. And the problem is I dont know what i want from life, or actually I know what i want I just dont know how to obtain it. I know what would make me happy forever! In almost every way in life. At least I'd like to think that i do. But in the end I am at a loss as to how to obtain anything. I suppose that i am not the only one who feels this way but it is hard not to feel alone at times like these. I keep thinking that if i just go to sleep, i will wake up tomorrow and have it all worked out. But that never happens. I have been a mess for the last year and I am tired. I have no motivation to get organized. I need to find my motivation.

Someone talk to me.

Sometimes it is a bit hard to be in here(Cedra). Alone. Reading. Watching movies I have seen a thousand times. And I dont even really have my phone cause it is dying and I dont have a charger(thanks Liam). But at least this money will get me ahead of the game again. With a bit of money saved and not worrying about bills so much. Plus, I have Friday, on which I am heading to see Kimmie, to look forward to. Margaritas in Mexico, beach time(as long as it's sunny, hell even if it's not, i love the beach). And my friend I hardly get to see. I hate making the drive alone and at the same time I love it. Ok I better go. I am rambling and who reads this anyway?

Its storming outside. I love that sound.

I am trying not to hard to ponder things that are impossible.
But on a great note. I love Austin and music. Today I got into a private event held by the BBC and heard so much awesome music for about four hours. The final band was Snow Patrol!
Everyone around me was British or in a band. What a fantastic day. I want to buy a wristband next year and take the week off of work. mwah.

What am i doing? Accckkk, i dont know. When did I lose track of myself? When? I need to put my head back on.
And get out this weird mode that i am in.
This week at work is going to be a bit insane. Double after double for me. Till saturday. Save Save Save, that is what i need to start doing. I'll start by spending more time at home.

The most important thing we can do in life is to feel. As much as you possibly can. Let down walls and feel. Weither or not the feeling are happiness, anger, sorrow, they are still feelings. And we have them. What if this is it? Our only chance, One chance to experence and feel as much in life as you can. Should we fear what may come later, if we feared loss, would we ever find love. And if we feared life would we really live. I believe that fear alone could ruin a man and keep them from really living. And i want to experience everything. Without sorrow, we would never know joy.

Sunrise, sunset.

Wow! Five in the morning is really early to wake up when you go to bed at 3am. On the road at five thirty this morning to take Laurie to the airport. It was still dark and we got to watch the sunrise. After dropping Laurie off, Mel and I decided to grub at Denny's and then head to the galleria to shop. We spent litterally five hours wandering around and getting lost. But I had a really fantastic time. We did a lot of window shopping including a sparkely peek into Tiffanys. A bite to eat and we were finally headed home...and caught the sunset on the way home, b e a utiful.
Finally i am home and utterly exhausted with only two hours of sleep and a crap ton of coffee in me. When the caffiene wears off I am out for the night. Ta ta.

The girls and I are headed to houston on sunday...Miss Laurie is on a plane to Mexico for a couple of days and Then Mel and I will run around Houston or Galveston doing whatever our hearts may desire. That is all.

Last night was very weird. That is all i have to say about that.

There are 1000 things that i wish i could say right here right now. But i just cant. I had a really long talk with my roomate tonight about where i need to be in life emotionally right now and why I need to stop blaming myself for things that obviously are not my fault. I think I know what to do. And she fully supports me. And yet i dont know where any of my decisions will lead me but that is the way it is. I am tired of being stagnent and bottled up. Which is what i have been for a very long time, and i need to let go of a lot of fears and resentments before I can move forward. But, in a way, that sounds like taking a leap off a mountain and not knowing whether or not my parachute will open. I know that is the way i used to and should continue to live so here goes. I hope.

The story really saddens,

unfortunatly the story takes a turn for the worse, and this really makes me sad.

(http://www.news8austin.com/content/top_stories/default.asp?ArID=155435)

I had an interesting and enjoyable afternoon. I was supposed to meet Laurie at Polvos for margaritas and upon arriving we witnessed a house in flames being put out by the AFD. All while standing and gawking from the roof of Polvos. We then decided to head to Guerros, being that neither one of us had been there. I had two margaritas that were exactly what i wanted, lime juice, tequila, and triple sec, no nastly sweet and sour to ruin the taste. The conversation was great, bullshit, some real issues and tons of stuff that didnt matter. All in all a really great happy hour. And to top it off, we saw Luke Wilson walk into the place as well.

hmmmm

Wow! I really hadn't realized that it had been so long since I last posted until I was told. Hmmm. Well I am finally enjoying a night in ALONE, My roomate is out of town. I am listening to music, loudly, and cleaning. Getting organized is always a great feeling for me. I need to call Cedra and get into a study here very soon. And I am almost and I repeat, almost caught up on the bills. The tickets are paid off and I dont have to do anymore Def Driving, at least for awhile. I have been having a great time lately, lots has gone on. Spoon was FREAKIN AMAZING last night, it made me so happy. I enjoyed a couple beers afterwards with John while he summed me up in a nutshell. I still havent figured it all out. But for the most part I am doing really well. Mwah.

dragging my feet.

Some days i have a great deal of trouble getting through...not to say that today has been diffucult but often I find myself in self destruct mode, where I am not sure what is wrong with me. It's like a scene from When Harry Met Sally, "What is wrong with me, why didnt he want to be with me(sob, sob) .." etc. etc.
I have such huge, gigantic, walls up at this point that I wouldnt know how to begin to let someone in. I just dont want to go on a date...and i have been asked, It seems that, a bit here lately, I have been bombarded with possibilities and I dont care. I just shrink back into my comfy little shell that i have created for myself and hide. Why am I hiding. Why do I feel bad about myself. Maybe I wont when I meet the right person, Right, is that it? OR maybe I will and I will never even know what I missed out on. I want to be alone but at times it is, well, lonely. And other times, or should I say most of the time it is, well, not. What am I getting at? I have no idea to say the least. I think I am a good person. I believe that when I love, I give it my all. And somehow I always give my all to those who arent really giving back.
Is it that I have yet to be with someone who is strong enough to be with me. Or am I the one who isnt strong enough? And at the end of the day why do I care about any of this. What am I trying to figure out. I'm not really trying to figure myself out. Maybe I am trying to figure out how others percieve me and why anyone would like me. I know why I like myself but I am not sure anyone else really sees the me that I like. did that make any sense?
Maybe what I am saying is when do I get to meet my Harry? "I'm going to be fourty" "Someday"

Enjoying the uncertainty.

Today was a really amazing day for me...the weather was amazing...I was in a fantastic mood...I hiked four miles on the greenbelt and sat by the water for a spell soaking in the sun. I had a perfect day.

human life occurs only once, and the reason we cannot determine which of our decisions are good and which are bad is that in a given situation we can make only one decision; we are not granted a second, third, or fourth life in which to compare various decisions. -milan kundera

Looking forward without turning back.

I am in a strange place...but I have this amazing drive to just get up and go. To get things done, take a trip, let go, move forward. I feel incrediably sad but amazingly happy. I understand every inch of myself and my feeling for once in my life and it feels great. I can tell you why I feel, have felt, or done everything that I have and I feel good about it. No excuses, no confusion, no fate, no unhappy memories, just me. And I am glad that i have done everything that I have done no matter what. In a way, I am saying I have no regrets, save one, and that is that I didnt feel this way long ago. Like myself, like a knew who I was, all the possiblities that I may have in front of me, having all the people in my life that adore me and that i adore. Whatever lies ahead at least now I can walk forward with open eyes.

those we really, truly call our friends

who are the people in your life that you really refer to as your friends? Are they the ones that you occasionally spend an evening with, or someone you keep in slight touch, OR are they the people in your life that you go to in time of need. The ones who understand you because, you have given all of yourself to them...let them know who you are, answered all the questions, given away all your secrets, never told a lie to, and felt through each hardship, each crisis and even every bright moment in your togetherness that you draw closer to these people and understand them more and more. Arent these the people who you want to spend your days with. the ones who are willing to open up and let you know them and you do the same in return. The people you can be honest with, The people who never judge you, never tell you what to do(only give you their personal experiences and know that no matter what, that is what they are, their experiences not yours), love you and know you know what is best for yourself, support you in all the mistakes you make, never ridicule you abour the choices you make. Arent these your true friends? The ones you hope to keep till your last days...the ones that you will always cherish. I hope you have yours. I certainly have mine and hope to have more of the same someday.

they say its your birthday...

Wow! today has been an absolutely beautiful day and I have enjoyed it thoroughly, going running with my dog...spending a few moments in the sun etc. I hope that you all have enjoyed it too. I really really want to see everyone there on my birthday FRIDAY...you are only as old as you feel, right? The plan, so far, is dinner at PF Changs and then off to somewhere else, i have not quite decided where that will be but i will keep everyone posted. Those of you who are going to join, let me know.

Ummm so laurie and i just witnessed, in video, the drunkeness that was our New Year's Party and I had to laugh quite a few times, I was a little apprehensive about watching it to begin with....why we have all this on film is beyond me but you can witness the drunken progression of us all. All i can say is that I had a really fantastic evening, almost everyone that i wanted to be there came. And I am thrilled that it is a new year and my BIRTHDAY is this Friday, so everyone get ready for some more fun.

Who's presence in your life has inspired you...who do you love to be around simply because they bring out the best in you and all you do? Who makes you happy, when you are around them you feel like you are floating?

Times they are a changin

Hmmm. hopefully for the good. I am not really sure what to say about anything but so far I am really looking forward to forward progress whatever that may mean. I have been really happy...and a little sad at the same time, but this is good. There is nothing really New to say except that I am really looking forward to the new year, my party, a great play(the santaland diaries), old friends, and new ones, letting go of the past, and looking forward into whatever the future may bring. I am exceptionally happy right now that is all I can really say.

Today has been a really FANTASTIC day! yep. yep.

why dont i want to talk about anything right now? I really have a million things to say but for some reason i cant put them into words...although somehow I believe that i know the reason and wish that i could come to a resolution or a conclusion. This entry makes no sense to anyone but myself, i believe. Hopefully the new year will bring about some changes. I have never been the sort of person to lie, deny how I feel, or decieve anyone I know, of this I am most certain. I have been more forgiving than i believe was warranted.
I feel that some people will never understand me and somehow a few people have understood me right away...and when someone gets me it makes me incrediably happy. I am not sure at this moment what I am getting at. Hopefully i can make more sense of it later and someone will understand it in some time to come.

All you need is love...

happy merry chrisakwansahannakah! I love you all. Hope everyone has a really great holiday...see you all soon.

This week has been a bit of a stress for me...making christmas gifts(a bigger pain than i had anticipated), trying to work doubles, get in my running, paying the bills, etc. Laurie and I have spent a few nights up really late with a bottle of wine and a project in our hands(we are almost done!) And, so apparently I am supposed to be hosting New Year's at my house this year. 5 bucks a head(keg and Champagne)(this may be too crazy for me)(but at least i dont have to drive, Right?) Whose Coming? Let me know.
At this point I may be too tired to actually organize this, I may just need a party to go to, but if people will come then I will try.

So, In my head for quite some time I have been obsessing(umm as most of you know) about things that i have no control over and things that really need to be buried...So ONE more resolution...Please stop and just be happy, nothing is wrong and nothing is likely to change, you have done nothing wrong, you Must remember that! Thank You.

Because this is THRILLER...

thriller night. Deedee, Laurie, and I make complete fools of ourselves tonight dancing to The Footloose and the Thriller Soundtracks. Gaud, the fun we can make of ourselves and the stuff we grew up on. Love It. Everybody cut loose!

I have my running puppy! Liam went to run with Laurie and I today and did great off his leash. That makes me really happy! Yay! for outdoor fun with my dog.

Sim-ply hav-ing a wonderful christmas time...

Lots of Great Thoughts-
School is done. I have completed yet another semester. I think I may just get an A in both classes...hard work may pay off. Another one of my regulars gave me a christmas card(25 bucks included!) I have finally started to catch up with my bills, here's hoping I continue to progress. I have lost 4 lbs on the run fast diet. My puppy is getting so big. My favorite manager Paul is back at El Arroyo(thank heavens). I like my new Job. AND I CAN AFFORD COFFEE!
Things to look forward to-
37th street christmas lights, The Santaland Diaries, New Years Eve, My BIRTHDAY(and all of you better be there), Going to the Dog park with Laurieloo, Great girl nights, A month off from school, and finding a date to the prom.
New Year's Resolutions-
To stay possitive, Read lots of great books, Take even a short trip somewhere, Spend more time with the ones I love, find someone to kiss at midnight, To get love right(eventually i will), But most of all...to take care of myself, believe in myself, and never give in to fear, because that is the biggest step.

You DO know when It's real.

sometimes, a show alone is just what I need. I saw Wendy Colona tonight. I thought i would only get to watch 30min but she played for an extra 45min. It was so great that at one point, and after, I cried (sobbing?) . Amazing. I love my music. I love Austin. And i Love Those That I Love... and for good reason, and this I will never forget. Sometimes you receive no love in return but the love you have for others is all that really matters. Mwah. Love You All.

Today has proved to be extemely uneventful. *sigh*
I am a bit melancholy but ok. Tonight I am going to desperately try to get out of work in time to catch Wendy Colona's show at Momo's. I need to spend a night alone and great music always helps.

Some of my regulars gave me a christmas present today...I wanted to cry it was so sweet of them.
Oh how lucky I am.

*sigh*

What do you need?

I need to get my head out of the clouds. I need to start letting all the ridiculous walls down. And the exceedingly high expectations of myself and others. I need to change what makes me unhappy and hold on to the things that matter. I need to let go. To remember. To forget. To smile. To spend more time doing the things I love. And loving the things I do. I need to let my friends know how much they mean to me. I need to stop being afraid. I need to go out on a date. I need to have no expectations. I need to take my dog to the park. Take a walk. Go for a drive. Buy a new cd. Put things in there place, including thoughts and dreams. I need to never stop dreaming or hoping. I need to stop having unrealistic ideas. I need to stop writing this for now and start doing these things.

oh the humanity

So last night John and I spent the evening up till four in the morning Drinking Starbucks...Navigating Trecherous Highways...And the Internet...so that i would be prepared for my speech today. And I come to find out that after all our hard work, school is canceled for the day...damn! And not because now I have extra time to practice and improve it before I have to present it.
People on the roads scare me...we get a little ice and everyone panics.
On another note... have you ever(im sure you have) looked at the groceries of the person in front or behind you in the checkout line...pets, do they live alone, what they read; strangely you can find out quite a bit about a person just from the checkout line.

-I have the most thoughtful, caring people in my life.
-Thank you

So Mel's parents are great! We all had a great time laughing and Joking and filling them in on Laurie and I. Mel and her mom have the same laugh, which I think is absolutely adorable. The food was not so good, thanks Fridays. But conversation did well to cover up the blandness and rawness of our plates. I had a great time.

Nervous.

So Laurie and I are supposed to meet Mel's parents this weekend. I have known her for about five or six years now and I am nervous. It is almost like meeting your boyfriends folks and hoping for approval (*bites nails*) Seriously, they have heard about us for years and now Laurie and I have one lunch or dinner date to Prove our worth to there daughter. lol. Actually it is very exciting. And i am sure we wont have a problem. At least Laurie wont. On another note. I think it is incrediably cute that Laurie and I carpool to work together since we work right next door to each other.
And I think that so far I like my new Job, it is going well.

Ahhhhh.

I love it when music gives me goosebumps or makes me blush, because it is so pretty or amazing.

The Drifting Tide.

Caught in a whirlwind, barreling down
Faster and Faster towards an invisable ground.
One moment you are floating, in another instance you fall
you even reach stretches when you feel vastly empty, without any thought at all.
You reach forth for the truth, so you may never live a lie.
A peace you find within yourself becomes a tear you cannot cry.
An ocean lies between two shores and somehow still they touch
A truth that once you knew has simply become lost. A shallow well that began to fill had soon filled too much.
The rain poured down endlessly till there was not a place to hide.
And when the sun began to show we simply find, the truth was already lost in the exiting tide.
Where to find it, could we reach the far away shore?
Or should it simply be allowed to drift and maybe it will, one day, lap your beach once more.

molly 05.